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Tinder Thots Tuesday: Spring Has Sprung

Hey hornballs, I can honestly say that for the first time I feel like we're turning a corner during the debacle that has been 2020. The NBA is talking about resuming practices in May, the NHL is rumored for a 24 team playoff, the Blackhawks grew a set and fired John McDonough, people are confident we're getting baseball in some capacity this summer and I can walk around outside comfortably in shorts and a t-shirt. As if that wasn't enough, I received an email this morning saying the University of Illinois System is doing everything they can to ensure face-to-face instruction resumes in the Fall. First and foremost, suck my dick JB Pritzker. Secondly, that means we'll be seeing a downturn in Tinder Activity, but at this rate I could give two shit.

Besides, I'm currently going through the dog adoption process and will be that guy who uses his adorable best friend as a way for girls to talk to me. Cheap move? Absolutely, but I could care less, just like the University of Illinois, I'm taking all the necessary steps to ensure the fall semester is a success.

If you're new here, check out any of the old TTT to get a feel of what we've got going on here. And like I said, this level of activity on Tinder is unprecedented and we're not going to have bios forever. In any instance you see a bio that makes you laugh, shake your head or smirk, send it my way on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_. Always love hearing from you guys

23 miles away from me is in the general vicinity of Naperville, and in this scenario, it's a lot more fun to think Lindsay is telling people she's from Chicago and loves Deep Dish pizza when she's away at wherever the fuck Otterbein University is. Something I'll never understand is people believe deep dish pizza is the traditional pie Chicagoans are eating. And pon further review, Otterbein University is in bumfuck Ohio so Lindsay is alienating kids from Cleveland with the thought that deep dish is what your family is eating on Friday nights. Deep dish is a specialty pie, almost like that cool uncle who lives out of state and you see maybe twice a year. Always great when you have it, but it just feels wrong if you're eating Deep Dish instead of a Tavern Style from your local spot. It's your special occasion pizza, you're having Lou's or Giordano's for Mom's birthday and saying see you in six months. And since we're here, an obligatory hyper-local pizza ranking:

1. Nick & Vito's

2. Rosangelas

3. Al's (Warrenville)

4. Phil's (89th and Ridgeland)

5. Palermo's

If you disagree with me, I'd love to talk it over while sucking down the coldest Old Style in town at Nick & Vito's

There's nothing out of the ordinary with this bio, pretty run of the mill even. All it's really missing was an Office reference, her saying she'd outsmoke you or having aspirations bigger than your dick. I always get a good chuckle out of that one, because if they're not, you';re bound to be rallying for $15/hour working the fryers at McDonald's.

The reason I'm including this one here is that it stopped me dead in my tracks trying to decipher what "sharks travel the yeti Thailand banana Cheerios," meant. Took me a solid two minutes of trying to crack DaVinci's Code that I realized she was missing commas. In my mind I was picturing a shark traveling with a yeti throughout Thailand surviving solely on banana Cheerios. Even at this point, I'm getting tripped up by Tinder bios. Keep your guard up ladies and gentlemen, because if you're not careful you'll be dealing with Daniel instead of Danielle.

Rebecca, I can't say that I was blessed enough to make a normal Snapchat name originally. When I originally made my Snapchat in 7th (?) grade, my name was sirfallsalot.

I fell a lot, as a kid, and when I mean a lot, I mean it. Out of boats, off of bikes, on whatever field or court I was playing on, through ice into lakes or any other way someone could fall, I'd done it. In my head, making my name sirfallsalot was so incredibly zany, but in reality I changed my name about 6 months later when I posted my user name on Instagram trying to get people to add and was promptly made fun of. At least I changed mine before it was too late.

Story time! I know every group of kids has their neighborhood "crackhead," growing up, but I'd put my neighbors crackheads up against anyone's. While our neighbor had a motley crew of characters, ranging from Bannerman who'd chase us on foot after ding dong ditching his house, or the retired Cop, Mags. who would drive his Ford Expedition across a Chicago Park in pursuit of 15 shitheads who just ding dong ditched his house, that's not our crackhead.

What Bannerman and Mags did is still crazy, but it pales in comparison to what Crazy Johnny would consistently do. Crazy Johnny was an older fella, who had definitely been around the block a few times and seen some things that people should never have to see, but that didn't stop us. The dopamine that coursed through our bloodstream after ding dong ditching someone's house, followed by the adrenaline rush of the pursuit will never be topped.

But back to Johnny, he lived in the middle of the block and people would typically peel off half and half in opposite directions because within 30 seconds of the doorbell being rung and windows pounded don, he'd be in pursuit. And by pursuit, I mean driving down side streets at 50 miles and hour with a gun hanging out the driver's side window while we all were running for our lives.

6th grade me trying to find bushes to dive into because I was gassed from running one block

Was it a real gun? Probably not, but it's a lot more fun to think that from 6th to 8th grade I was being chased by a real life Arthur Fleck with a gun inside of a Pickup straight out of the 70s. Do I regret some of my actions as a child? Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that those were and always will be some of the best days of my life.

Think your neighborhood crackhead beats mine? Let me hear your stories on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_

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