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Tinder Thots Tuesday: Simp SZN Is Here

Updated: May 29, 2020

Hey hornballs, just like that, it's Tuesday again. It seems like time is a flat circle more than ever right now, and we've truly become animals considering all I do is eat, sleep, shit and occasionally spank the monkey from time to time right now. Thanks to those idiots in Florida, Kentucky and Michigan it looks less and less likely that we're going to have an actual summer. Delightful, but at least the weather is turning a corner after snowing last week in Chicago last week and you're able to sit outside and not want to kill yourself. Baby steps!

And although we're trapped inside, make sure you stay active, keep washing your hands, and support local business. SPEAKING OF LOCAL BUSINESS!

The mantra in the business is no free ads, but special times call for special circumstances. For the low price of $13 a month you can be a part of Katie's community! I know everyone is horny right now, and despite Katie being a Midwest 6 with a nice rack, please don't tell me you're horny enough to subscribe to her. But if you are, you know where to find me.

Clearly a lot of young ladies' parents still claim them as dependents or their Trump bucks haven't come through, because I have seen more women than ever putting their Venmo and Cashtag in their bios. Even though I would never do it, I can understand an onlyfans subscription, but if you're sending cash to someone in hopes of impressing them, Derrick is going to be laughing all the way to the fucking bank. What's the best case scenario with sending someone some cash after seeing them on Tinder, a playful half-nude? MAYBE getting her Snapchat? It's not hard to get nudes if that's what you're looking for... not saying they'll be enjoyable to look at, but the chase is what you're craving anyways. Swipe right on anyone who looks like they wouldn't be able to fit in a rowboat and you'll get what you're looking for.

How cute! She probably caught her previously innocent daughter smoking weed out of an apple with you and attributes her daughter's downfall to you. It should stick with you that you ended up at Ohio State while your friend ended up at Kent State.

But this made me think- if you were arrested what would it be for? I'd like to think that it'd be for something like public intoxication or urination, completely harmless other than offending someone with how grotesque my genitals are. But in reality, it'd probably be for murdering a Cubs' fan who will try to convince me that the North Siders have a brighter future than the White Sox because they hired Grandpa Rossy to lead them into the future! Have fun with that you fucking fools!

FINALLY! A women letting her know she can do something for me instead of vice versa, what a concept! In reality, I know exactly who this is and never knew she lived this close to me and evert time I see here I fear that she's going to suffocate me to death with her Saquon esqe quads. And when she says she's gotchu with the free protein samples, don't feel too special, buddy. She would walk around the gym at Illinois handing out different products, whether it was BCAAS, pre workout or protein. I would genuinely be afraid of getting in the sack with her because I bet she has such strong grip strength my cock would be ripped clean off my body and there's nothing I'd be able to do about it.

But on another note- are gym girls the biggest hard asses in the entire gym? They think because they're a woman and lift weights they're some superhero, and look, I'm not saying the weight room is only for those with a penis, but there's no need to walk around like you own the entire fucking place. Do what you're their to do, don't take up multiple machines at a time and stick to the squat rack.

And Tinder bios don't last forever, folks. If you see any Tinder bios that make you shake your head or smirk, be sure to send them to me on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_

Always cool hearing from you all, and for the love of God, stop simping, she's not gonna suck you.

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