Happy Holidays to everyone, but Merry Christmas to all of my fellow Christians. It's that time of the year and I hope your next few days are spent with those who make this time of year as special as it actually is- family and friends. The thing is, most of your daughters are a whole bunch of ho, ho, ho's and have rightfully earned their place on Santa's Naughty List. They deserve coal and not the good kind of spankings for their behavior on Tinder, and I've said it before and have no problem saying it again: having a daughter might be the worst thing that can ever happen to you. A daughter going off to college? You're absolutely helpless and she'll have a dick in her ass within 24 hours of you leaving campus. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals
This weeks going to be a little different, I'm going to decide who's on the Naughty or Nice list based on their bio
Clearly didn't let your parents down enough considering they bought you a Jeep Wrangler. Gymnastics coach though? Some major red flags, hopefully no funny business is going on there but this one goes right back to the Jeep Wrangler. She's still baking Christmas cookies, pouring a cold class of milk for Santa and putting out the reindeer food on her front lawn. The easiest Nice List of all-time.
She hasn't believed in Santa since she was three years old, her first Christmas memory is her drunk older cousin coming up to her on Christmas Eve to tell her that the Santa Tracker isn't real, and neither is Santa. Ever since, she's had a black heart and made it her mission to let people know Rudolph was a symbol of Communism taking over the world. Zoe being on Tinder while in relationship with the goal of meeting new people and meeting friends is like saying you're going on Pornhub because you enjoy the cinematography. Also, 10 pets is so fucking gross and should be illegal, she could charge people admission at the door, and might as well have a special Christmas lighting, too. Naughty List since '02 and there's no end in sight.
College is a time to broaden your horizons and see what you're actually into. The time when you decide if you'd prefer a thumb in your ass or a tongue in your box. In the Catholic Church at least, you'd go to Hell for a little 2 on 1 action, but the high five from the Priest during confession would be more than worth it. Hell, he'd probably ask if they have any younger brothers or sisters. These girls are looking for their innocence to be taken, and for that, I think they belong on the Naughty List.
In all reality, these two are definitely sweethearts who will drive their parents home from the family Christmas Eve gathering tonight.
Naughty List. Any woman who willingly wants to quench their thirst with Busch Light is some kind of fucked up. She probably loves Kodiak Mint, too.
“Based on flight profile data gathered from over 50 years of NORAD’s radar and satellite tracking, NORAD concludes that Santa probably stands about 5 feet 7 inches tall and weighs approximately 260 pounds (before cookies).”
You think she'd make an exception for the big guy? If not, enjoy being on the naughty list because you love giving hummers to the Penn State basketball team.
You know what? You're definitely Jewish, because what's not believable about Santa? A fat, old man delivering presents to every home in ONE night, after making everything at the North Pole with his army of elves throughout the year seems about as realistic as anything actually happening with a Tinder match, but guess what? Christmastime is filled with miracles!
Checking Out
- The Inn Keeper