top of page

Tinder Thots Tuesday: Quarantine Woes

Hey hornballs, welcome back to the original Tinder Bio blog on the blackhole that is the internet. If you're new here, you can catch up below with all of the installations of TTT that I've written on The Goonery. What started as trying to pass the time on the train home from work has expanded into virtually the same exact thing.

Valid question, but as a 19 year old living at home, that's not an option. In case you wondering, it's not an option because of social distancing, not my lack of opportunity. Just wanted to clear that up.

Online school started yesterday, and my only update is that it sucks. Plain and simple, if I wanted this I would have gone to the University of Phoenix after graduating high school, but instead, I'm attending lectures through Zoom. The only real difference besides not being present for my lectures is that instead of swiping on Tinder in class inside of a lecture hall, I'm swiping on Tinder sitting at home. But activity on Tinder is higher than usual because of all the pent up horniness of being inside for a week, once again, not complaining. The interesting thing is that Tinder has now updated its TinderU settings that allows you to see students from your University, no matter where you are in the world. How kind of them to try and facilitate conversations between matches instead of a few pumps and see you later's. Amazing how many more messages are being sent on the app right now. When (if) the 'Rona passes, there will be fucking and sucking in the streets like we've never seen before. Be prepared

Other than appendicitis, nearly drowning in my cousins' pool at 3 or almost catching corona, in 3rd grade I was in the crossfires of a gang fight. Before I decided to hang up my soccer cleats for real football the St. Christina Cardinals headed east to Sacred Heart at 2906 E 96th in Chicago's East Side. Somehow, I was the best soccer player in my grade before I decided to hang them up, not sure how that worked out but I was so efficient on the pitch at a young age it was like I went through Hitler Youth Camp with my blonde hair and blue eyes. Disciplined, skilled and determined, an impeccable trio. It was like I was scouted before the game because my strategy of run as fast as I can through everyone wasn't working and we were quickly down 4-0.

I had enough and squeaked one by the Sacred Heart tender to make it 4-1, but within two minutes, gunshots were being fired off. They had called a hit in on me, but our team rand for the field house and was guarded by the 80% of our team's dads who were Chicago Cops. Sacred Heart ran and hid behind trees on the other side of the park. I guess that's why they beat us 4-1.

And spoiler Dessa? I'd bet you almost die at least once a day performing everyday activities.

Haley is talking about sucking dick, ladies and gentlemen. If you're reading this and have kids, here's a sneak peak of what to expect with daddy's little girl when she heads off to college.

The next Pam Beesly is the absolute last person I want to interact with. If you watch The Office and come out of it thinking, "Wow, I need to find the Pam to my Jim," or vice versa, I automatically hate you. Pam cheated on Roy, strung Jim along for God knows how long, broke up Jim's relationship with Karen because she's a diabolical witch and did nothing but blame others for her failures. Sorry Pam, art school isn't for everyone, stick to answering the phones and somehow finding yourself in a sales position selling paper. Michelle, your bio says it all, anyone with a brain is avoiding you lie the plague.

Welcome to 2020- where people will toss you to the side if you don't like juuling. Not only is it a waste of money, but don't be crying when you catch the coronavirus and need a ventilator Payton! I sometimes wish I grew up in a different era where everyone smoked cigarettes to look cool instead of vapes that look like flash drives, pistols and lightsabers. A dart and a lighter is all you need for your nicotine addictions. Funny story, one of my buddies decided that the only way he'd be able to stop juuling is to toss it down the sewer and start smoking cigarettes. The result? He now buys two logs of Skoal Wintergreen a week now. Win some. lose some, but at least I won't need a ventilator when I inevitably get the 'rona.

What do I have against socks in bed? Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that wearing socks in bed takes away the feeling finding a cold spot in your sheets that sends shivers down your spine. It's sticking your one leg out from underneath the blanket to on top of the comforter, off the beg or against the wall. It just feels right, and if you were to take that away from me in these times, what else would I have left?

Well lucky for you, Claire that Pete ended up single after his season of The Bachelor, largely in part because his mother is a massive C U Next Tuesday! Soon to be University of Michigan, I'd let you be my co-pilot any day of the week if that meant I could sit at home and do this all day.

I was asked by multiple people if I rode while out in Wyoming because I apparently have the body type of a bull rider. So sup, Dasiy.

Have any funny bios you'd like to see featured on here? Shoot 'em to me on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_. You're not doing anything else at home, are you?

Checking Out

-The Inn Keeper

125 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page