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  • The Inn Keeper

Tinder Thots Tuesday: Class is in session

New year, same shit. I just made my return to the University of Illinois and ladies and gentlemen, the second semester is always humbling for some young ladies- especially freshman. I find it funny, people walk into college expecting to meet the one, but in today's day and age? What's committment? Throw in the fact that a lot of ladies were the trophy at their respected high school, but then they come here. From being the biggest fish in a small pond to an average fish in the God damn ocean. Apex predator to hunting in a pack with your sorority sisters like a pack of wolves. And it's that point in the year where dreams come crashing down, and girls realize they won't be meeting Prince Charming at the Sigma Chi Pre-Game this year. A travesty, I know.


Assssss I was saying, welcome to the second semester! A little bit different than I was describing, but this is the classic case of trying to catch a case or 10 before you walk the stage in May this year. Do I blame her? No, not one bit. No shame in upping the body count before you inevitably put on 15 pounds after hitting up a few too many work happy hours after moving to the city.

So we're blatantly stealing names from The Bachelor now?

Can't blame her! I obviously swiped out of principle, but unfortunately, her definition of a good time did not include sitting on a couch hungover and betting college basketball. For shame


Before I even get into this if you're ever in the Champaign-Urbana area and in need of a quick meal, I HIGHLY recommend Cracked the Egg Came First. Nothing but free ad's here on The Goonery!

I'm not usually a fan of 2 truths & a lie because they're so absolutely absurd that I stop listening to them 66.7% of the three. I shit you not, during a first day of class ice breaker, a girl's 2 truth's & a lie were and I shit you not:

1. Both of my parents are immigrants

2. I flipped my car over in an accident this summer

3. I crashed my car into a cemetery before

I'll just say, I feel so sorry for whoever's paying her car insurance because that premium's gotta be through the roof. Women drivers, ammiright?

But let's get to Erin, a preschool blowing up sounds so absurd that it has to be a lie, but guess what? She's just trying to lure you in with that one and have it as a talking point- truth. Considering Eric Andre performed in Champaign this fall that's a truth. But the reason I'm rolling with being born and raised in Arkansas as a lie is because that is far too normal of a name to come out of a state like Arkansas. What's Arkansas' claim to fame? The Clintons? Yeesh



Ah yes, so that's why we didn't match! Makes sense, and it's DEFINITELY not because I'm a Midwest 7 on my ABSOLUTE best day. Nah, not that.

With a name like Lidija, it sounds like you're already a stripper, so why not just commit to it? I'm assuming her name's, Lydia, but this reminds me of two young men my dad came across back in the day, twin brothers named Yellowjello and Orangejello, but their names were to be pronounced Yelangelo and Orangelo, because that makes sense.

As for her choice in darts over other nicotine product, it's nice to see that some people still have culture in this world. Do cigarettes make you look like an asshole and smell like one, too? Absolutely, but a drunk cigarette is a top 10 thing in the world. There's something about a Menthol being between your lips at 12:30, I'm not sure if it's the warming feeling it spreads throughout your body, the coolness of the menthol as the smoke leaves your mouth or its symbolism of giving up on women for the night because no one wants to talk to a guy who'd been smoking heaters. At that moment you know you're going to blackout, regret it the next morning and appreciate the net day, a story as old as time. But yeah, vapes are fine. And if you disagree with me, hit my mentions on twitter @lifeattheinn. I'd love to debate


Checking Out

-The Inn Keeper