Updated: May 29, 2020
Yes, this is a Bachelor blog, deal with it. Gotta get page views some how. Tonight, Pilot Pete begins his journey to find the love of his life after Hannah Brown broke his heart, and I can't blame him for struggling to pick up the pieces of his broken heart....
But tonight is the beginning of Pilot Pete's comeback story, Hannah may have caused his life to deal with some turbulence, but he's back in control, something he knows all too much about I can't believe I just wrote that sentence, but before I give my breakdown on each women and their chances at leaving the show engaged to Pete, I prefer the Bachelorette to the Bachelor. Something special about a bunch of meatheads being trapped inside of a mansion going after one beautiful women, it's like a real life version of a frat house and it's fucking hilarious. Without further ado....
I also learned there are a lot of marriage crazed women from Chicago if this show is any indication, my 20's should be interesting
30. Kiarra 23, Nanny from Kennesaw, GA
For starters, Kiarra hates sports, and isn't afraid to let everyone know that. Most girls are at least willing to hide it, but not her! She also was quoted by ABC saying she can "talk to a brick wall about anything and everything!" Throw in the fact that she's a nanny and I'd want to kill myself within 2 minutes of interacting with her. She'll make it out of night one I think, but just because she'll be the person who steals Pete from 4 other women and creates a stir.
29. Natasha 31, Event Planner from New York
Age is a huge factor for Natasha being so low on this list, but it doesn't help that she seems like a complete weirdo. One of her three facts was that if she could create any type of workout class it would be disco yoga, seems like the complete opposite of what yoga is supposed to be, but what do I know? Oh! She's also afraid of rats, mice, spiders and anything that crawls, welcome to the club Natasha! I can't fathom thinking that's a fact that would help you to stand out.
28. Eunice 23, Flight Attendant from Chicago, IL
Eunice wants the world to know that she's a sorority girl no more, but her signature dance move is the pony tail helicopter! A prime candidate for drinking too much on night one and making a complete fool of herself , and I can't wait for her inspirational story of how she became a flight attendant, and how Pete had NOTHING to do with that decision. She's also never introduced her family to any of her past boyfriends, way too many red flags here for Eunice to be an impact player this season. The minute I read her name, I knew she didn't stand a chance.
27. Katrina 28, Pro Sports Dancer from Chicago, IL
Katrina is the only single person left in her family, and as her mom put it, her biological clock is ticking. This is the classic case of someone doing something just to make your parents happy, and I bet Katrina is a total bitch. Hot, but has a personality that makes your little head think twice. She might stick around for awhile for entertainment purposes, but she'll never win. Need further proof? She dressed up as her hairless cat for Halloween and dressed her cat up as her... at least we know it's hairless!
26. Victoria F. 26, Medical Sales Rep from Virginia Beach, VA
Anytime there's another person with the same name as you on the show, it's going to be a challenge standing out. Unfortunately for Victoria F., Victoria P. is an absolute weapon with the sob story to back it up. Victoria F. seems pretty boring, and is the classic case of someone who you'd love to meet in real life, but won't cut it on national television, in my opinion.
25. Shiann 27, Administrative Assistant from Las Vegas, NV
She's a horse girl, so you know she's not opposed to a thumb up her ass in the bedroom. She comes off as someone who overanalyzes absolutely everything, and I bet she's one hell of an administrative assistant for that reason. My reasoning behind that? Shiann thinks her lower back is the best part of her body- I can't wait to see what her trampstamp looks like.
24. Alexa 27, Esthetician from Chicago, IL
Although Alexa lives in the big city, it hasn't always been that way! Alexa grew up in Springfield and decided she was going to move to Chicago after flipping a coin- I'll set the over under on the number of times we hear that tonight at 1.5. The self-described hippie opened up her own waxing business , and loves amusement parks, but hates rollercoasters! Alexa is probably a ton of fun, but won't be married until she's 37, and when she does, she'll complain about how she settled and end up getting divorced in less than a year.
23. Lexi 26, Marketing Coordinator from New York, NY
Major Amy Adams vibes here, but she's the classic case of someone thinking they need to grow up too quick after college. A graduate of Florida State, Lexi moved to the big city after graduation, and seems like she has it figured out, but also strikes me as someone who feels like they can't have fun anymore. Probably refuses to have sex if it's not missionary, pretty boring, but not someone I would mind dating at all.
22. Tammy 24, House Flipper from Syracuse, NY
Go-getter is how I'd describe Tammy. In her junior year of high school, she tried to joins the wrestling team, but was denied by the coaching staff. She ended up showing up to practice everyday and eventually filing a Title IX Complaint when she wasn't allowed to be on the team. Tammy won the case, and ended up with a career record of 7-1 as a varsity wrestler, pretty impressive if you ask me. My takeaway is that Tammy 100000% gives the most aggressive hand jobs imaginable, they're so painful to the point where you just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
21. Sarah 24, Medical Radiographer from Knoxville, TN
When people make fun of basic white girls, they're making fun of Sarah. She loves listening to podcasts, drinking wine, scrolling through social media and listening to EDM music. Every season gives us a few social media stars at the conclusion of the season, and Sarah will be changing her job title from Medical Radiographer to Influencer in no time.
20. Jasmine 25, Client Relations Manger from Houston, TX
Jasmine NEEDS kids in her life, and she NEEDS them now! She also hates men who play video games, describes her dog as her best friend and knows that she's found the one when a man is able to help her build a table! The type of girl that's fun for awhile, but you come to realize that you could never spend the rest of your life with her after she tells you she's in love after three dates. No thank you.
19. Courtney 26, Cosmetologist from Venice, FL
*Heart Eyes Emoji* Courtney is "ready for a man" after dealing with boys for so long, and I'm sure it won't be too hard for her to find. A man in cowboy boots is her biggest turn on, and I'm highly considering buying myself a pair to see if it makes a difference. She'll stick out physically, but I bet she can't hold a conversation to save her life, see you in Paradise this summer, Courtney.
18. Lauren 26, Marketing Executive from Glendale, CA
Lauren has set herself up for success post-Bachelor already- she's a fashion blogger in her spare time. I respect her foresight, and hope it works out for her. If you want to start writing for The Gooney, hit my dm's. She's crazy, but the type of crazy that I respect the hell out of, Lauren prides herself on finding out where she went wrong in past relationships by holding exit interviews with her ex's. Not sure if I'd willingly participate in one, but it's so incredibly crazy that I kind of love her.
17. Megan 26, Flight Attendant from San Francisco, CA
Megan is one of the random blonde girls who will stick around, and kind of just be floating around in the background. A staple of the round table gossip discussions with the other women who have no chance with Pete in the long-run because they have the personality of 6 other people vying for Pete's heart. This self-described hopeless romantic will keep on dreaming, I hope she isn't as boring as she seems.
16. Jade 26, Flight Attendant from Mesa, AZ
Yet another flight attendant! Even better? She's afraid of heights! Jade grew up Mormon (shout out Taysom Hill), got married at 22 far too young and is recently divorced. Jade is eerily similar to Pete, and I kind of hate that, which is why I put her virtually in the middle of the contestants because she'll either sink or swim, no in between. She's also interested in earning her private pilot's license, how convenient! I don't like her, if you couldn't tell.
15. Jenna 22, Nursing Student from New Lenox, IL
She'll say she's from Chicago within 25 seconds of being on screen for the first time, and that's an Inn Keeper guarantee. Jenna screams immature, and her saying her goldfish, George, offers great advice is the only evidence you need to back that one up. 22 is far too young in my opinion, and we all know she's here because she doesn't actually want to be a nurse. Don't blame her, but I see her making a ton of enemies in the house.
14. Mykenna 22, Fashion Blogger from Langley, British Columbia
Her dream is to start her own charity, and she seems like Daddy's little girl. I'm sure that's how she's able to be a full-time fashion blogger, but there's not much to her otherwise. I bet she has a sexy accent that keeps her around longer than she deserves.
13. Maurissa 23, Patient Care Coordinator from Atlanta, GA
Maurissa seems distinguished, and I don't hate that. She is a former Miss Teen Montana who has recently lost 80 pounds, which makes me wonder what the rest of the Miss Teen Montana contestants looked like. Her best friends are all AT LEAST 10 years older than her, which screams she has a few screws loose, but I won't count her out. She's going to remind Pete multiple times this season that she's mature for her age, and we all know it.
12. Sydney 24, Retail Marketing Manager from Birmingham, AL
She was screwed over in her last relationship, after she was unexpectedly broken up with while the couple was preparing to move in together. Sydney screams I want to settle down pronto to me, and I can already see Pete describing her as someone who's "ready for marriage." Sydney claims she likes to jog AT LEAST once a day and indulge in a homemade cupcake to reward herself for her run. Makes sense
11. Alayah 24, Ortho Assistant from San Antonio, TX
Alayah is fresh off of winning Miss Texas 2019, and looking to ride that wave into an engagement. She loves to write poetry, her favorite social media site is Reddit and her spirit animal is the Texas Longhorn- interesting. She's reading Pete a poem the minute she steps out of the limo, and I've never been more sure of something in my entire life.
10. Deandra 23, Home Care Coordinator from Plano, TX
Deandra's mother stated that as one of ten children, she always knew how to fight for attention. She'll have an impressive night one because of her ability to stand out in a crowd, but being 23 hurts her in the long run. She also still cries when she gets blood drawn, and will be a shitty mother when the time comes because of it. I like Deandra though, seems like a real hoot.
9. Kelsey 28, Professional Clothier (?) from Des Moines, IA
Something tells me that Pete is going to be able to look past Kelsey being a professional clothier, which is a different way to say fashion designer if I had to guess? The self-described feisty and stubborn 2017 Miss Iowa prefers chocolate over flowers, too. You just know she's a cool ass chick because she eats chocolate!
8. Kylie 26, Entertainment Sales Associate from Santa Monica, CA
Kylie is guaranteed to have an incredibly nasally voice, I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do. Her last boy friend cheated on her
So you know she's rolling into this ready to take out whoever is in her path. I need to get more clarification on what type of entertainment she's selling, because I can see this meaning ticket sales, but can also see it being her way of hiding that she's a phone sex operator (nasally voice pending). If that's the case, she's an automatic lock for a top three finish.
7. Payton 23, Business Development Rep from Wellesley, MA
She LOVES to be the life of the party, so much so, her last boyfriend had to move on from her because he couldn't handle the attention she would receive when they would go out. Yikes, have some confidence buddy. Payton is getting laid overtime she goes out, and just waiting for her opportunity in the Fantasy Suite.
6. Savannah 27, Realtor from Houston, TX
Savannah is going to age so incredibly well it hurts, I'm getting Connie Britton in Friday Night Lights vibes from her, and that is NOT a bad thing. She is recently out of an on and off relationship of 6 years after her fucked one of her friends, and loves to indulge in Vampire Facials in her free time (huh??????). I'm not sure how I feel about that, but Savannah is a contender.
5. Madison 23, Foster Parent Recruiter from Auburn, AL
Madison is going to be this years' Southern Belle who steals the show. Gorgeous, loves God and is a former State MVP for basketball, talk about being well rounded. My only concern is that she loves God too much. Yell at me if you want, but her dream is to open up an orphanage and her favorite book is the Bible. Does she know that she's going on the Bachelor with these answers and not applying to become a Saint? I love you, Madison.
4. Hannah Ann 23, Model from Knoxville, TN
23 years old, still lives at home and travels the world for work- sounds like she's making a business decision and trying to abuse Pete for flights to me. Her good looks are going to keep her around, but Pete's parents will be the voice of reason that let him know she's not the one. Hannah also decorates her parents home exclusively with art made by her, talk about having an ego.
3. Kelley 27, Attorney from Chicago, IL
Kelley has "incredibly high standards," and thinks that Pete can potentially meet them. She is recently out of a long-distance international relationship that saw her flying to Jordan once or twice a month, but decided to end it because she couldn't see herself ever moving to the Middle East (no shit!). She loves to travel, and has seen 26 countries, she definitely studied abroad in Rome didn't she? And if you're wondering how she's able to travel this much while being an attorney, it's because she works at her Dad's firm- go figure! She's going to be a MAJOR C U Next Tuesday, isn't she?
2. Victoria P. 27, Nurse from Alexandria, LA
Victoria is the victim of a horrible childhood, has been cheated on, and is looking for a man who she knows can be a wonderful father because she did not have a steady father-figure in her life after her father tragically passed away. If that doesn't scream front-runner to you, you haven't watched enough reality television in your life. I'm pulling for Victoria, but see her coming up just short and becoming the next Bachelorette after capturing the hearts of America.
1. Avonlea 27, Cattle Rancher from Fort Worth, TX
Can I move to Fort Worth and work on your family's cattle ranch? Avonlea has a degree in ranch management, and probably has an unreal inheritance waiting for her someday, but her job is probably cooler than anything I'll ever do in my life. She's also a model in her spare time- she is probably so rich it hurts. HOWEVAH! The real reason she's my pick to leave the show as Pete's fiancee is that her parents met while her Mom was his flight attendant, oh the irony!
These predictions definitely won't blow up in my face, but I'm looking forward to this season. I'm not sure whether I'm proud or ashamed of writing this much on the Bachelor, but I really didn't leave myself much time to think about it considering the season premieres in 8 minutes.
-The Inn Keeper