Long story short, I've been writing this particular series (almost) every Tuesday since the beginning of last summer. The idea popped into my head when I saw just about every other young lady on Tinder thinking that indulging in the devil's lettuce is a personality trait. Or that she's ready to be my Pam, woof, if I ever marry someone similar to Pam I severely screwed up somewhere down the line.
I would NEVER
But writing this every week has made me realize two things specifically
Girls are horny, too. BuT mEn ArE pIgS!
I never want a daughter under any circumstances whatsoever. Think I'd highly consider sending her to beauty school because I'd be afraid of what could happen while away at school. Hell, beauty school comes with a hell of a lot less debt than a communications degree
(If you're offended by what lies ahead, I'm not sorry)
I was ready to drop to a knee and marry Becky after a quick glance at her profile. Long legs, dark hair, blue eyes, and her anthem was an Eagles' song, good God almighty I was in love. But then she just had to drop that she doesn't like dogs? Who in their right mind dislikes dogs? She definitely felt like this was a hot take that would get guys mad at her and lead her to pushovers with cats. BUT! This worked in the complete opposite way of what she was hoping for and made me want to sit down with her and explain why dogs are that much better than whatever fucking pet she has. Did I even get the chance to? Of course not because she looks like I said and I look like what you see in my original Gooney appearance. She was a Cali 8 and I was a Midwest soft 6.5, win some, you lose some.
I sure hope so
And in an extremely shocking turn of events, she also hates Donald Trump!
Who could've ever seen this coming? Definitely not me and I'm SURE Hattie will take advantage of her right to vote in the 2020 election.
No offense to all of the preschool teachers reading this out there, but what can she possibly teach me? How to wipe my ass? Maybe counting to ten? Basic addition and subtraction without a calculator? All I know is that she won't be able to teach me new ways on how to hide random boners, so there's that.
Our child would either be built like Ty Lawson or Chuck Hayes (a 6'6 center will never not make me laugh). He'll either grow to be the equivalent of the potential height I possess considering my size 12 shoe or end up being an athletic fireplug that's good for 15-7 and 4 hard fouls a night- my type of player. She definitely gave off I'll eat you ass vibes, too- there are definitely worse things in the world
I'm running low on Tinder bios, and there are only so many horny college chicks out there in the world, so if you want to see more like this every Tuesday PLEASE send me any bio that catches your eye on twitter @lifeattheinn
I'm sure Seattle is full of a ton of stoners, Dog moms and Starbucks fanatics, so send 'em my way!
-The Inn Keeper