Hey hornballs, welcome to another addition of Tinder Thots Tuesday. If you're new here, TTT is a weekly (when there are enough bios) blog that likes to poke fun at the absurdities of college-aged Tinder Bios. This all started when I had seen every other person telling me they LOVE The Office and can out smoke me any day of the week. Tinder isn't a place to brag about yourself, it's a place that will inevitably make you feel better about yourself. I'm a Midwest 6.5, 7 on my absolute best day, but guess what? I've seen more 3s from Champaign-Urbana, Illinois than 8s and 9s and maybe it's the narcissist in me, but it makes me feel better about myself.
The University of Illinois starts spring break next Friday, and you can tell it's close because there are infinitely more people on the app looking to touch tummies before break starts, almost like Spring Training. Get out of your slump and get ready to Gluck Gluck your way all over Panama City Beach in a few weeks. Can't hate the hustle
Onlyfans account link, NOT INCLUDED
Jordan's, cannoli and big hoops? That's enough to tell me Olivia is always carrying a pack of Marlboro Reds, but I think I stumbled upon Staten Island's finest at the University of Illinois! I definitely see Olivia wearing nothing but Jordan 1s to class, but all-white Air Force 1s to go out in. Toss in a pair of off-white Low Vulcanized sneakers and she's the queen of the hot, but trashy look associated with Staten Island. You'd love to tell your buddies about this one, but couldn't imagine introducing her to your mother. This is what this app is built for.
Are we talking 61 times, or are we talking towards of 100? I need to know this answer, but am still waiting on a response (we matched, nbd), but I can't fathom going to one place that isn't your home, school, favorite restaurant, church or cottage that many times in your lifetime, let alone 20 years! The logical person in my head thinks that her family has a timeshare and is part of the Disney Vacation Club or is from Florida. Then again, who in their right mind would leave Florida to go to school in Indianapolis? That may be more insane than going to Disney that many times, but that's up for debate. Do you ride Space Mountain every time you visit? Is it customary in their family to buy a new set of Mickey Mouse ears each visit? There's no chance in hell they still ride It's a Small World every visit, right? Right? Fuck I need answers
Give it three years and Hannah will be a multiple time employee of the month at the Lincoln Park Trader Joe's. She'll love to help you fulfill your grocery needs, specializes in pairing cheeses with your bottle of wine and makes sure to let you know what her favorite item in the store is. But where Hannah will really make her mark is with the signage inside of the stores. It'll be like Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel, Bill Belichick coaching in the fourth quarter, Jesus turning water into wine and Hawk Harrelson calling a Chicago White Sox game- simply untouchable.
Even though that's kind of my thing, I'd love to see you try Erin. I put a few minutes into my bio, and its been met with overwhelmingly positive feedback and sympathy. Making it known that you were verbally assaulted by your childhood art teacher for being color blind is light hearted enough to know I'm real, but sad enough to earn some brownie points and show them that I have a softer, more innocent side. It's not perfect, but I'd love to hear your thots, Erin.
If you have any Tinder Bios you'd like to see in the blog, send them to me on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_ and let's get the conversation started.
-The Inn Keeper