Tinder Thots Tuesday: Proceed with Caution
Updated: May 29, 2020
Hey Hornballs, welcome back to another edition of Tinder Thots Tuesday, the best spot on the internet to either feel better about yourself as a person or worse about being a parent in the future. If this is your first time here, welcome and let's catch you up to speed'
It's been an interesting week for me at the University of Illinois, fresh off of Unofficial, the University is prepping for Spring Break and the potential for online classes following break.
I wasn't that drunk on Saturday
I guess coronavirus is a lot more serious than I ever thought if I'm going to be going to online college for a couple of weeks. I'm upset for a couple of reasons- if I wanted an online degree I'd be going to the University of Phoenix. We're heading into March Madness where the Illini are going to be making some noise and it'd be an experience being down here for that. The second being you'd expect Tinder to be crawling with young ladies trying to fuck like dogs in heat prior to the likely three weeks from campus.
Nope, the exact opposite, actually! It's looking like people are avoiding human contact because of the coronavirus, and I guess I can't blame them. But for those you still looking to get your fill, God bless. You're probably immune to the coronavirus at this point anyways.
Eating oyster crackers is a polite way of saying you look homely, Rylee. You're comforting, you probably enjoy scrolling through Pinterest and decorating your college dorm/apartment with the creations you make. They end up looking half as good as what you see online and you constantly wonder where you're going wrong. There's nothing wrong with it, but you're just not creative enough. Your dreams of becoming a creative writer with your English degree? Kiss those dreams goodbye because you're either going to end up teaching high school English, forcing your students to write a paper on what Lennie from Of Mice and Men represents in today's society or a tax lawyer. Nothing flashy, you're going to hate it, but you'll be a fine wife that keeps your future husband just interested in you enough to not kick you to the curb.
Jasmine has skeletons in her closet, don't let her fool you with the "I don't know what I'm doing on here," bullshit. Anytime someone leads off with being super into handcuffs that's a major red flag. Let that type of thing come about naturally, it leaves nothing to the imagination. Walking into a situation knowing fuzzy handcuffs are going to be in play doesn't let you fantasize in your head what you're able to do. Thumb in the butt? Probably not in hers, but I bet she tries in yours.
Being Italian and making homemade ravioli a few times a year, I think I have the right to have an opinion on this. I'm not saying I'm the type of gabagool who you'd see on The Sopranos, I don't own a tracksuit but I do wear a gold chain. In fact, my family isn't from Southern Italy like the majority of Americans, but more Central to Northern(ish) Italy.
My personal definition of a ravioli is a package of dough stuffed to the brim with the filling of your choice. This requires effort, hours of it in fact. You have to make your well of flour and fill it with eggs. Scramble the eggs, roll the dough and let it sit. While the dough is setting, you make your filling. Ricotta, mozzarella, parsley, salt and I'm not giving you the rest of the recipe, but you get the point. It's a science tasting the concoction as you go, some hate it, I love it. It's a tedious process but when you finally nail the flavor combination, it's an out of body experience, but then you realize if you're making 300 ravioli you have about 3 hours of labor left.
That's what differentiates a Poptart from a real ravioli, in my opinion. There's no effort in going to the grocery store and picking out what flavor of Poptart you're bring home. You take them out of the pantry, throw them in the toaster if you please, and are on your way. When it comes to homemade ravioli, I'll laugh in your face if you try to tell me they're one in the same. However, with a name like Nandita, I can understand the argument she's trying to make. Her ravioli experience doesn't expand past Chef Boyardee.
Shout out to the first user submitted Tinder Bio, very topical. This comes all the way from Okinawa where my buddy is stationed right now. Not to be alarming, but I've self-diagnosed myself with pre-coronavirus. I did the worst possible thing by looking up the symptoms of COVID-19 and realizing I have everything minus the fever (the common cold). Stay safe friends, and if YOU have a bio that you think would be a great addition to the blog, dm them to me on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_
-The Inn Keeper