Hey hornballs, and before you say it, yes, I know it's Tuesday night. How do I know that? Well the reminder I set on my phone to write this went off earlier in the day and my already incredibly average penis has shriveled up inside of me after the Accounting Exam I just finished. It was an exam that would make Bill Cosby proud, and although I could walk away from it literally , I couldn't figuratively. Online college!
To pass the time these past few weeks, I've been using Tinder Passport to travel the globe, but at this point it's just getting depressing. The South Side of Chicago is great and all, but then you teleport yourself to Oslo or Sydney and wonder where the gene pool split because they don't look like us. Maybe it's for the best I don't live there, because I'm sure the market for a 5'10 moderately in shape white dude is booming there.
If you're new here, catch up on what we have going on at The Goonery every Tuesday
Like I wrote at the start of this blog, I just was taken advantage of without lubrication by an Accounting Exam- I've had enough with number for today. But as peculiar as it would be to eat a pork chop in the shower, it's still not the strangest place I've ever seen a chop eaten. Last summer, I worked a painter (I'm colorblind) with about 8 other college kids. It was solid work, learned some useful skills yada, yada, but there was one coworker who had to be a member of some sort of program. She had some strange tendencies and couldn't paint, but we were all able to look past that until she decided she was hungry one morning while we were mixing paint and about to start our days. Most people would eat a piece of fruit, granola bar or anything that's traditionally eaten before 8 AM. However, this young lady decided she was going to eat a cold pork chop with her bare hands, while mixing paint. I really wish I was kidding.
And it's 69 degrees outside, Bailey.
Lives in Chicago and is currently 4,964 miles away? Considering you attend Northwestern I'm sure you're the daughter of a diplomat in Spain and have flown back home, but it's more fun to imagine that you flew out of Chicago on a cheap flight at the start of this and thought you'd finesse the system. The only reason I like to think this is because you go to Northwestern, I do not, and it gives me a sense of superiority that I know isn't true. But if you're looking for 2 AM u up texts and mediocre sex?
This is what's fucking wrong with Tinder, you're listed as 20, but you're looking for a prom date! Unless you're at a prep school, couldn't finish your timed multiplication tests or read, there's no reason to be on Tinder while you're in high school. I get turning 18 and making one in high school, but Destinee had braces on in her pictures! Wouldn't be surprised if she's bitching and moaning to her mom about how her rubber bands are hurting her right now, but guess what Destinee? Wanna cry? You're not going to have prom and you're not putting anyone in jail today! Stay the fuck off of Tinder if you're not 18 (but only if you're a girl)
Well Karen? Not sure how else to put this....
That's not my number 1 thing on my bucket list, but not bad, PJ. Since I know you're all clamoring to know what's at the top of my bucket list, I'll break it down for ya. It all starts in January at the WWE Royal Rumble, I'm a surprise entrant, and the roof blows off the place. Everyone is amazed that I'm back this early, I wasn't due back from injury for months, but I'm superhuman. Sound familiar?
After this, I head to WrestleMania in Chicago, at the brand new Soldier Field. This time, it's a dome that seats 110,000 and Vince McMahon feels comfortable enough to bring the largest traveling circus on the globe to the city for WrestleMania. I'm in the Main Event of WrestleMania 47 after making the transition to wrestling when I realized the cube life wasn't cut out for me. I have a live WrestleMania entrance, put on a 33-minute 5 Star Classic and put away the champion with a sharpshooter in the middle of the ring and win my first of 18 World Championships.
If that's not realistic enough for my bucket list, I want to hit a home run during batting practice off of my future son before a White Sox game where throws a Perfect Game and I can say I could still do it in the Bigs if I wanted to.