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Tinder Thots Tuesday: Who cares anymore?

Hey hornballs, week three of this shit and personal hygiene has gone out the window. I don't shower more than times a week, my hair looks like I live on the other side of he tracks and slick it back with motor oil and my facial hair makes me look like I'm on a list. The term facial is used generously considering I grow a mustache that most 7th graders would be proud of, and the chin beard to match. My mother has asked me why I'm wearing baseball hats during class when I'm at home, but even though I go to a school with 50,000 people, I'm not giving the 6s in my classes even more reason to turn their nose up to me.

While I've thrown personal hygiene out the window, I've never looked better on Tinder. People are big time horny, messaging at an astounding rate and just like before, converting at just about the same rate as before.

And if you're new here:

Maybe next time!

Here's the thing Jackie, if I'm able to release my seed into a woman who is 5'11 or above, I'm convinced my future child could go D1 in the sport of their choosing. If any shorter, I'm sure they can figure out how to play tennis or some other weird sport like that. I don't think I'd allow them to play tennis, not the type of upbringing I want for my children. Not that the country club lifestyle isn't for me, my children will have to prove to me that they've earned their membership to the club.

But back to my theory Jackie, if I would've taken my life seriously prior to 17th birthday things would be looking a lot differently. I probably would be playing Division 2 or 3 baseball somewhere and enjoying myself. Instead, I ballooned up to 225lbs and looked like the white Pablo Sandoval at 3rd base. My NAIA baseball offer to a random school in Ohio was cool and all, but I won't allow my kids to settle for that. Jackie, if you're serious about having your children play sports at the Division 1 level, I'm the man for you. The athletic ability certainly isn't there, but the mental fortitude I would pass onto our future children would be more than enough.

Plus, my potential height is off the charts. I wear a size 12 shoe and am 5'10, I'm just waiting on my growth spurt, that's all.

On the Southside of Chicago, more often than not, the big butt more often than not comes from being overweight. Being overweight comes from an early onset drinking problem, and if you're following me here, the early onset drinking problem leads to the bigger heart. A sad cycle, but as a random middle-aged man once put it to me at one of the bars from where I'm from this past summer, "Work is the curse of the drinking class." You're not wrong champ, and I'm still thankful for the bucket he ended up buying me that night for telling a Cub fan to fuck off.

Annnnnnnnndddd just when I thought I was getting stir crazy in quarantine, I came across Leah. She then let me know she prefers Scooby fruit snacks or Frutomic Punch Gushers. Will report back if there's any follow up on this.

My brain has been to some strange places during this stay at home order, but this MFK has my mind wandering like Anthony Peter Coleman in the jungles of Granada.

Right off the bat, let's get this straight, Betty White is 98 years old. She's been around the block a few times, and has an experience level that only very few ever reach. While she probably can't throw down like she used to, I'd love to give her the most mediocre 30 seconds she's had in the last 80 years. That is if it's able to get up, but I'm not doubting her. Probably will have to take the dentures out for it to be effective, but that's the price you pay.

I'd say I'd marry her, but you can't even spin zone a 19 year old marrying a 98 year old. If her kids are even alive anymore, I'm sure they'd take me to court for their inheritance, and if they're not, her grandkids. Not worth the struggle.

The easy elimination here is Caitlin Jenner. Now don't get your panties in a bunch, but who's wearing the pants in the relationship? Even more of a concern, I don't want to be involved with the family. Not really sure if Caitlin is featured on Keeping Up With The Kardashian's, but I don't want the entire world hearing about how abnormally small my penis is. 12 gauge between the eyes for Caitlin.

That brings me to the Hulkster. He's had his ups and downs, to say the least. There have been rumors for years that Hulkamania has ran wild on both teams, so I'm not putting it past him to pull a Joe Exotic on me to keep me entertained. Might as have him teach me how to get 24 inch pythons while we're at it, because why the hell not, brother? Seems like he still knows how to have a good time too, which doesn't hurt.

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