St. Patrick's Day is cancelled, America's dad has the coronavirus, and the NBA has been infected... what else could go wrong? Oh yeah, everything else getting cancelled too.
Earlier this week we got the news that St. Paddy's Day was cancelled in Ireland over coronavirus fears. Then Chicago cancelled their celebrations, much to South Siders dismay, this also included the South Side Irish Parade. With outbreaks happening all over the world, officials are gearing up and trying to contain the virus. Many universities are switching to online classes. Congratulations to anyone who still has class this week, when you're asked why you didn't go to class, you can say you were trying to help save humanity. The news is making it seem like the world is about to end, but honestly it's probably not that bad. You can still skip class though, no one's gonna show up anyway.
In more recent news, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have tested positive for the coronavirus. But don't even trip about it, dawg, cuz the homey Chet Hanks (pictured between his parents) has told us they're totally fine and it's not a big deal at all. If you don't remember Chet, it's probably because the only time he goes on TV he acts like a person who is not supposed to be on TV. He is like one or two big mistakes away from becoming Jimmy from GTA 5. He also ran into a few n-word controversies during his rap career. At the Golden Globes he spoke in Jamaican patois, which is exactly what it sounds like and yes everyone was either pissed or laughing hysterically. I'm sorry, I just love shitting on Chet Hanks, he's like the final boss for rich white boys that are so into black culture it's making their family uncomfortable. But anyways, this dingus just wanted to let everyone know his parents are okay. Hopefully Tom and Rita have a smooth recovery, they are at risk because of age but they seem like they're in good enough health to recover.
Tom and Rita aren't the only celebrities testing positive for coronavirus, two Utah Jazz players have tested positive as well. Donovan Mitchell caught it from Rudy Gobert, and could have passed it to many of his other teammates. In light of all the recent virus updates, the NBA, NCAA, MLB, NHL, PGA, XFL, the Kentucky Derby, and the Summer Olympics have cancelled or at least suspended their events until further notice. Everyone has been so worried about this pandemic, they completely forgot about all the angry sports fans and the hate mob that will ensue if people aren't able to bet on March Madness. I mean there's only so many movies about baseball and basketball, I give it a week before certain members of the barstool staff start having public twitter meltdowns. I think the people really just want something watch; who knows, maybe by next month everyone will be watching dodgeball tournaments on ESPN 8.
Also can I just say, what the hell is going on with these hand sanitizer prices? I'm seeing stores selling it for like $20 a bottle and it's the dumbest trap that everyone is falling for. I don't know the exact science but basic hand soap will break up the fatty outer layer of the virus and it will die. So just wash your hands like a decent human being and you won't accidentally spread the virus to anyone.
Oh and Italy is dying.
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