When We Learn To Hack Each Other’s Brains, Let’s Use Our Powers For Good, Not Evil
“Biggie Biggie Biggie can’t you see, Sometimes your words just hypnotize me,” – Hypnotize
Holy shit! We are officially living in the future…kind of.
Earlier this week, a video of Elon Musk using a chip on a pig’s brain, was making the rounds on the internet.
This all went down during a Neuralink unveiling. Neuralink is technology that would create symbiosis between AI and the human brain. Musk equates the physical process to LASIK surgery and says installing the “FitBit in your skull” will leave a tiny scar “after the electrodes are inserted into the brain.” He envisions a future where, “a person could summon their self-driving car just by thinking about it.”
As a former teenage boy, I can tell you they’re all getting erections while thinking about that one sophomore chick who loves vanilla Smirnoff and doesn’t have a gag reflex — no mind reading machine necessary!
My first thought when it comes to AI is always that it will lead to a Bronze age style societal collapse, or a futuristic dystopia where people can read our minds and know that we spent the morning masturbating, and didn’t shower before leaving the house. It’s a terrifying vision of the decades to come for anyone who enjoys a little release to start the day.
Of course, indiscreet self-gratification was only the first of my worries. I’ve seen the Naked Gun movies, and if Vincent Ludwig can use hypnosis to get Reggie Jackson to attempt to assassinate the Queen of England, then there’s no telling what sort of nefarious behavior they could trigger with an implanted brain chip on one of the ballplayers of today. These guys already act with a complete disregard for the unwritten rules of baseball, so it wouldn’t be surprising if a brain chipped Fernando Tatis Jr bludgeoned one of those Make A Wish kids to death in front of 42,445 horrified fans, thanks to an evil band of Neuralink hackers. To make matters worse, Leslie Nielsen’s been dead for 10 years, so there won’t be anyone around to stop him.
It’s a horrifying thought. Tatis wakes up on a slab in a sterile operating room. He feels around his head and finds a weird scar where the electrodes where buried, gets up, grabs a conveniently placed bat, heads to the ballpark, and unwittingly leaves some kids brains all over the pitchers mound because terrorists hacked his brain chip. Oh well, better to die of blunt force trauma in front of a sellout crowd than to pass quietly while surrounded by loved ones at Shriner’s Hospital — that’s what grandma used to tell us.
But upon further consideration, I realized that a hacked Neuralink could be used for good as well. Let me count the ways:
Say you are a frequent a masturbator and your wife catches you having a go at it while staring out the window at your neighbor’s daughter who happens to be doing some topless tanning with her sorority sisters. Blame it on a Neuralink hacker!
“Be reasonable honey, she’s young enough to be my daughter. My Neuralink must have been hacked on the ride home from the airport. Last time I use goddamn Uber pool, from now on I’m riding solo in a Lyft!”
And no one’s the wiser.
Maybe you’re a tech savvy teen boy in search of an afternoon of cheeky hi-jinx — then the Neuralink is your new best friend. In my day, if we wanted to watch some nerd’s backpack go flying out a classroom window or soak some chump in Slurpee, we had to do it on our own. This meant stealing a backpack and passing it to your friend next to the window who would then toss it out to everyone’s (except the nerd’s) delight, or driving to 7-11, buying a Slurpee, and finding someone to throw it at. That’s a lot of work. But if you know how to hack a Neuralink, all you have to do is type in an algorithm, sit back and watch nerds throw their own backpacks out the window and pour Slurpees on their own heads. Less leg work on your end with an equally hilarious result. Wanna make the substitute teacher shit her pants? No need to dose her coffee with Metamucil, just hack his Neuralink and tell that sphincter to relax. What’s that smell Mrs. Scotti? It’s the smell of laughter!
By the way, they may not want to, but those geeks will be doing your homework and giving you test answers as well. Because as smart as they are, they aren’t smart enough to overcome a hacked brain chip. Talk about being hoisted by your own petard, looks like you’ll have to wait a little longer to get your revenge…NERDS.
If there’s two things I hate in this world, it’s slow walkers and people who use their phones as boom boxes while riding public transportation. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hack their brains and make those slowpokes speed up — right into oncoming traffic. Maybe you could prompt that douche bag blasting WAP on his iPhone to slam the device on the floor of the train, thus shattering it and sparing us his tepid musical taste and eventual n-word laced Facetime conversation. Elon, you’re a fucking hero!
Ladies, do you have a boss who won’t stop sexually harassing you, no matter how many times you’ve insisted that you’re a lesbian? Hack his Neuralink and make him take a selfie while orally servicing a transgendered prostitute. A few clicks of the mouse and the perfect piece of blackmail will find it’s way to your inbox. Finally, you can make photocopies without fear of getting your ass pinched by some jerkoff in middle management. That’s what we call leveling the playing field.
Those are just some of the ways we can use hacked brain control tips for good instead of evil, but I’m just one man. I’m sure you can think of a few others. If you have any suggestions drop me a line @MikeMontone on Twitter, and I’ll shout them out in the next episode of The Savage Sacktap.