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What If Mark Wahlberg Never Missed His Flight To Wuhan?

Updated: May 29, 2020

Mark Wahlberg, lead singer of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and commonly referred to as the hardest man in Hollywood just may be our only option to take out COVID-19. It's a shame he missed is flight to Wuhan, because things would have gone down a hell of a lot differently than they are right now. We'd probably be on our way to our Local Wahlburgers to celebrate t

Known for overcompensating for his below average height by defying all odds in movies such as Boogie Nights, The Other Guys, and Lone Survivor, Wahlberg has seen it all. Call it stolen valor if you please, but his performance as Marcus Luttrell in Lone Survivor is enough for for him to receive a Purple Heart. After he deals with the Coronavirus is a completely different story.

The upbringing of the Coronavirus is still in question. Was it made in a lab? Is it actually from Wuhan's finest delicacy, bat soup? There are still pieces missing to this puzzle, that in all likelihood will never be found. But the star of the 2017 film, Patriots Day, has been around the block a time or two.

Growing up in the real-life equivalent of Game of Throne's Iron Island, South Boston, Wahlberg has history on the streets. He doesn't discriminate, whether someone is African-American, Vietnamese or White. Wahlberg will let you know he has a problem with you by attacking you with rocks, wooden sticks or his fists or feet. A swift kick to the face while lying defenseless on the ground is exactly what the Coronavirus needs at the moment, and we know Mark has no issue wit it. Age isn't an issue you either, they can be school children or middle-aged. Unlike the Coronavirus, Wahlberg just doesn't pray on the helpless, he makes his victims helpless.

And how can we forget that Mark Wahlberg was the man who was supposed to end the War on Terror. If you're somehow unaware of what Mark Wahlberg stated in an interview with George Clooney were he talked about maturing from a young asshole into a mature adult:

''If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’'

A real life hero in my book, but the only way he can ever repay the world in my eyes if he puts himself back in Marcus Luttrell's shoes and skullfuck the Coronavirus. I'd volunteer to be on the front lines with Marky Mark, because I am absolutely not going to let the Coronavirus fuck up my summer. I'm already unemployed, single, live in a state ran by JB Pritzker and will probably have another semester of college online in the fall, there's not much else to lose. I'm sure Wahlberg will say he can do this on his own, I'm sure he can do it on his own, I'll carry a wooden gun and drive the Prius if I have to, but I volunteer as tribute.

Checking Out From Wuhan

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