• The Inn Keeper

Throwback: Polar Vortex, who?

Just a little something from one year ago today, the day the University of Illinois cancelled classes for the first time in 8-years. I'm all over the place today, and thought this would be nice reminder to everyone that this winter has been easy. As I send that sentence into the inter-webs, I'm sure the Midwest will be struck by the worst storm all year within the next week but I could care less. At least it'll be snow and not the coronavirus, but I'm going to enjoy the brisk 36 degree day we're having in Champaign by responsibly drinking some Colorado Kool-Aids and watching the Illini spank the Golden Gophers.

If you’re reading this, you know that over the past few days Midwesterners have been preparing for what have been called historic low wind chills and deadly temperatures. Let me just say, I did exactly what I wanted to today after my university called off classes for the first time in 8 YEARS for weather: nothing.


As soon as the Chancellor cancelled classes for Wednesday I originally thought well fuck, I guess I can’t go to my Calc lecture! My professor is a real hoot and loves the game, but I can never seem to understand what he says which may be why I feel like I’m already falling behind 3 weeks into the semester. After the email was sent out, I received a text no less than 5 minutes later from a few of my good pals saying, “Piss Olympics tonight.” Now to explain Piss Olympics in the most simple way possible: teams are divided, your bladders must be empty at the beginning of the game and the first team to fill up their bucket with piss wins. The Natty Light was bought, buckets prepared and teams divided. We were ready to go to war, but per usual, a few athletes withdrew and the festivities were forced to be rescheduled. I guess I’ll binge drink another day I thought! Thankfully we elected to turn Monopoly into a drinking game, and the decisions made during the game were just as shitty as the beer we were drinking. I was the first person to make it around the board. I elected to play conservative and collected, but when I reached Boardwalk Avenue I couldn’t resist. I quickly handed the baker $240 and was well on my way to accquirng Park Place I thought. A fellow competitor quickly built up a tw0 seperate monopolies to which we all agreed we could not let this game finish this quick. This led me to make a few foolish deals in order to get Park Place. I sold all of my other properties except for Boardwalk and the Electric Company because cash is king I thought. No less than 2 minutes after obtaining the cog I needed for my empire, I was bankrupt. The cermeonial “Snakes in the Grass” was played and I was the third player eliminated. Less than 20 minuntes later we had our King- an unsuspecting one nonetheless, no muscle defintion, butthole eyes and Irish. An Irish king I thought? I guess it made sense considering the only full blooded Mick won the drinking game.


After the game concluded rather unceremoniously we elected to do some drunk driving. Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, we did it responsibily. We headed upstairs and powered on the Game Cube and put Mario Kart in the system. A beer must be finished before each race is concluded, but you’re unable to drink while you’re driving. Only while spun out or stopped purposely. The only things hurt or killed during these races were my self-esteem and ego due to me being a rather poor drunk driver. No one has to know the alcohol was impairing me more than I let off, I have the built in excuse of being color blind. Although a combination of both, I’m still a shitty Mario Kart driver nonethless because video games are for children. Find me driving my 1996 economy car like a real man.


As the night was winding down, we decided to conduct a science experiment. We took out pots and boiled the water. We quickly came to the conclusion that if we were staring at the water it wouldn’t boil and after looking away for 30 seconds, the water was boiled. We repeated the process three times. The first attempt was rather uneventful, the second time, water from my pot got on the Monopoly winner I previously mentioned. Revenge I thought, but he said he didn’t feel it, but I thought bullshit. On the third attempt, someone tossed up their pot of water and all of it hit the same kid in the face. I was pleased, the same kid who crushed my hopes and dreams with boiling water all over his face.


After this, I decided it was my time to walk home. The “feels-like” temperature was -23 degrees. I was on my way home and only slipped on the ice once, success I thought! As I came into the doors of my building, my face looked as if I was the one who took the boiling water to the face, but yet you still had skanks walking into the building with crop tops on. I expected nothing less, but I do wish I could be a whore sometimes, never want a daughter though. I then followed up an eventful night with an unevetful Wednesday, some homework for the aforementioned Calc class, laundry, Madden and watched some college hoops, along with one of my guilty pleasures: The Masked Singer. Back to classes tomorrow and this weather just makes me think, what happened to global warming? Just a myth created by the Chinese, change my mind.

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