• The Inn Keeper

The Only Horny Hacks You'll Need During Quarantine

Updated: Apr 4

Today marks my 23rd day of being home from school. In all honesty, the 23 days have gone rather quickly. It's been a constant cycle of Netflix, HBO, Twitter, the Hub, eating too much and working out to make those extra calories go away. Matter of fact, I've started the Warrior Diet to try and combat all of the snacking I was doing. 20 hours of fasting, and a 4 hour window to eat as much as you want. Might be counter productive because I'm eating enough to feed an African village for 3 days during those 4 hours, but I'm such a freak that I can yell at myself enough one morning to make a change.


My snacking hasn't been the problem during these tumultuous times, its been the horny's, and it's at least nice to know that I'm not alone.

I guess that's one way to make yourself an essential employee real quick. But the thing that's the most shocking to me is that it's not just 19 year olds stuck inside of their childhood home, it's celebrities, too.


They probably have such wild sex. I'm talking triangle chokes into deep strokes if you're catching my drift. Sorry, quarantine is really getting to me if you couldn't tell. So that's why I'm here to help you switch things up during what feels like a real Groundhog Day.


LOW EFFORT

You know those videos that are 5:37 seconds that you want to enjoy, but can't because you don't know what led to her getting stuck? Yeah those are all 47:22 seconds with the free premium. No credit card information is required, so there's no need to be worried about your significant other seeing the transaction in your bank account when you inevitably forgot to cancel the subscription. Make your account, trust me.

White Sox fans will understand this, but if you're not a White Sox fan, look up a video of Yoan Moncada swinging a bat from both sides of the batters box. The left-handed swing looks more natural, and leads to more explosive results. Just like Moncada hitting from the left side, when I decide to do it, it's almost like someone else is doing it for you. You'll feel like you're in the back row of an AMC at 13 all over again.

This one depends on what you have available, but the 12 X 24" lumbar hasn't failed me in the past, neither has the 14 X 36. I was looking forward to taking advantage of the euro pillows while abroad next semester, but I highly doubt that's happening now. I bet the 12 X 16" boudoir would be fun to toss around and the 10 X 27" bolster would take you for the ride of your (quarantine) life. Just make sure your door's locked with this one, and clean the pillowcase afterwards just in case there was any discharge.


MAKE SURE NO ONE'S HOME

Short answer, yes. But only if it's for less than 15 seconds and has room temperature lotion inside of it. Use your hand, put it in-between two couch cushions, or if you're in the mood to go even further......


MAKE SURE NO ONE'S HOME, CLOSE THE BLINDS AND LOCK THE DOORS

Save yourself the $80 of buying a flashlight of your favorite porn star's asshole and build your own. Use all the wipes, loaded this up with towels, make sure you have rubber gloves lying around the house, fill that with lotion and you have yourself what some call a prison rig. The first time I'd heard of one of these things was in 8th grade at one of my good friends house. He would throw this in between his mattress and bed frame and fuck it like any kid's parents who was born in September of 2000. I thought he was horny then, but I couldn't imagine him at 14 during all of this. He'd end up fucking a tree or digging a hole in the ground just to feel something.


Just remember, if you build this, you will cum.


Checking Out

-The Inn Keeper

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