Oh, The Places You'll Go (With Snapchat filters)
Week 4 of the stay at home order in Chicago, and to say that I'm bored is an understatement. I'm at the point where I'm doing homework to avoid being bored. Doing nothing isn't fun anymore, and I'm sitting inside all the time wishing I could be somewhere else. Granted, I wouldn't be going anywhere other than lecture halls, the gym and the bars at school, I'm wishing I could be stuck in that cycle. Instead, I'm stuck with doing homework all day, working out in my living room and showering every three days.
Snapchat filters were extremely pointless to me, other than occasionally throwing one of the dumb ones on my face because the girl I'm talking to doesn't have to know how gross I actually am yet. But while scrolling through them today, it opened my eyes to the different places they could take me and shoes I'm able to fill, all through Snapchat.
Resemblance is there, don't deny it.
Beetlejuice IS NOT dead
I like to imagine that this one represents what I would have looked like stepping off my $172-round trip Spirit flight to Honolulu a few weeks ago. I look unhappy, but that's because I just flew from Chicago to Honolulu on a Spirit flight, in the middle seat with an asshole leaned up against my knees. The flower behind the ear from the now non-essential worker makes me feel at home, but the empty stare on my face is realize that I have to get back on a Spirit flight within a week.
Artie Bucco, how you doin'?
Currently trying to figure out how I'm going escape Russia and make it back home to my hormonal daughter who isn't even completely human. (Also wishing I had 5 o'clock shadow).
Do you have a small penis?
Tell the truth
Just want to marry a princess, that's all.
I like to imagine this is what Joe Exotic looked like circa 1987. Moderately handsome, a strong middle-part, fake glasses and a handle bar that lets everyone know you're a power top. He was at his peak, not a care in the world, but then that bitch Carole Baskin came along, takes all of your money and leads you towards meth. For shame.
When you realize that this stay at home order is going to last well into the summer because people are idiots who think the Coronavirus is being spread by 5g waves.
When she unexpectedly shoves a finger in your ass and you're not sure if you should freak out or keep your mouth shit because you're enjoying it. Chose your own adventure with this one.
I've decided to move to Colorado and open my own brewery. My microbrew I've been making in my studio apartment is infused with CBD, and has the bitterness that will convince people they like it even though they hate the lava that comes out of their ass from drinking them. I decide to change my formula slightly, and instead of using CBD, I've moved to THC- I figured everyone enjoys being crossed all the time, but I guess that's just me. My brewery fails, I work at the place that was right next door and quickly realize why I didn't stay in business. After a few months of this, I move back to my studio in Wicker Park and work at Binny's, but continue to tell people I'm in the brewing industry. No one has to know.
Imagine this: you're sitting in a Zoom lecture and can't focus. Your dogs are barking, brother yelling and professor's internet connection is hit or miss. You want to pay attention because you're paying 27-grand to go to a state school, but you can't. You're not in the mood to hear about Costco' Rotisserie Chicken being a loss leader. You try to act like you care by giving half-assed answers in the chat, and then you have to work on a group project for the rest of class. You try to pay attention, but then remember you can change your Tinder location to anywhere in the world for the time being. You head to Sydney, match with the first person you swipe right on and then realize they are in Sydney. Life is good.
If you read all of this, pat yourself on the back and you get a gold star from me.