No Frills Castrations Never End Well

Anything can have happened in Oklahoma. Practicallyeverything has.’ – Edna Ferber

“Sheriff: ‘Cannibals’ lured victim to cabin in Oklahoma woods, performed illegal castration,” that was the headline I saw atop an article in the Oklahoman last week. It piqued my curiosity greatly.

Of course it was sort of a misleading headline because as you are about to see there was very little luring done. This ‘cannibal castration’ was a rather consensual thing.

Two men were accused Wednesday in a criminal charge of performing an illegal gender reassignment surgery on a volunteer at their cabin in the woods and then keeping the body parts in a freezer, possibly to eat later.

Bob Lee Allen, 53, and Thomas Evans Gates, 42, were arrested Oct. 15 after going to the hospital in McAlester to try to visit the victim, Le Flore County Sheriff Rodney Derryberry said Tuesday.

I absolutely love that they went to visit the victim in the hospital. Just picture them; hat in hand, holding flowers they pulled from the pot outside the hospital lobby, still splattered with blood, standing over this dickless bastard as he lies in bed wondering what he was thinking when he trusted these two to turn him into a beautiful woman.

“We’s real sorry mister, we didn’t mean to hurt ya, we just wanted to film ourselves cutting off your penis and eatin it is all.”

This might be as close to a real-life Cletus Spuckler as we may ever get (from the Simpsons, for the uninitiated) and it seems as though he’s gone into business with Dr. Nick Riviera.

The 28-year-old victim had flown from Virginia to Dallas and then was driven to the cabin in southeast Oklahoma for the surgery, a sheriff’s deputy reported in a court affidavit. The victim had made contact with Allen through a website while searching online about castrations and related terms.

Yeah, he was certainly not lured. When you’re researching ways to get your dick cut off and some guy says come to Oklahoma to get your dick cut off, and you really wanna get your dick cut off, then you’ll board a flight to Oklahoma to get your dick cut off.

The website requires registration to access. In a registration box is a welcome note “from theEunuchMaker and the EM Crew.”

The EM Crew is a great name btw. It sounds like the moniker a group of douchey college bros would give to their shitty hip hop group that’s only put out two songs, because every time they meet to drop some sick beats in FL studio, the gathering devolves into a circle jerk and ends with four dudes in cum stained sweat pants avoiding eye contact as they skulk back to their dorm rooms.

The victim reported Allen claimed to have 15 years of experience and that he “videos the procedures for personal use,” according to the affidavit. The victim also reported “Allen told him that the surgery wouldn’t cost him anything.”

That should arouse immediate suspicion. Anyone willing to cut your dick off for free should not be trusted. Castration and dick chopping and the like, that’s messy work. Any task that blood-filled and nausea inducing should command top dollar and that’s not even to mention recouping the cost of training necessary to conduct a successful surgery. Anyone doing a penis removal for free is deriving way to much joy from the act and should be avoided at all costs

The victim told investigators that Allen performed the removal Oct. 12 on a covered makeshift table at the residence and that Gates helped by handing over the surgical equipment, according to the affidavit. The victim said he was awake for the two-hour surgery after being injected “in the needed areas.”

This guy is all sorts of nuts just for going on this little trip, but on top of everything else staying awake for your castration is the balsiest thing I’ve ever heard of.

The victim “stated that after the surgery was over that Allen said that he was going to consume the parts and laughed and said that he was a cannibal,” according to the affidavit. The victim also said that Allen then talked about “the time he worked on someone that he described to be crazy and that he left the male opened up to die overnight.”

Kind of bold of the guy who cuts off dicks and then eats them, to declare himself the arbiter of who is and isn’t crazy. That can’t be a comforting thought as they’re strapping you down for surgery. What if you don’t meet some weird, unknown criteria for sanity that this guy has and he just lets you bleed to death from a hole where your dick used to be?

“Oh you don’t enjoy bee stings? Good. Sit here and bleed out you psychopath! I’m doing society a favor”

The victim further stated that Allen “had six more clients on the way to have the same operation” and that Allen “informed him that he had a freezer with body parts and showed him pictures on his phone.”

I’m surprised these guys aren’t more discreet with this operation. They’re running a website, keeping a freezer full of dicks, all their disk space on their phone is filled with chopped off wieners. Wild stuff. If I was a dick cannibal running an underground castration house, I’d only eat fresh, never frozen, and you’d have to find me the way people find drug dealers. Someone trustworthy has to pass along the phone number and vouch. We’re not just doing these dick choppings out in the open for all to see, that’s just asking for trouble.

The victim said Allen took him to the hospital the next day because he had a lot of bleeding after first telling him, “No morgue. No ER.” He said Allen told him that if he passed out or died that he would dump him in the woods, according to the affidavit. He said Allen instructed him to say “he done it to himself” once they arrived at the hospital.

If you want your dick chopped off that badly why not do it at a hospital somewhere? How do you go with the ‘no ER’ guy. Someone may wanna put that on Yelp so subsequent customers can make a more informed decision:

“They did great work, the incision was clean, sutures healed great, quick, painless, and a surprisingly clean facility, but I did have to take a star away because of their ‘no morgue, no ER’ policy.”

The ‘no morgue’ thing I kinda get, I’m not showing up at the morgue with a dead body and explaining that I cut this guys dick off because he asked and I was hungry. That’s still a manslaughter charge and you’re already dead, so there’s no way I’m risking it just so you can have a dignified burial — caveat emptor as they say. ‘No ER’ is a tough sell. If you’re gonna go through with it at that point at least take one from the spelunker’s handbook and tell someone where you’re going on the day of and let them know that if they don’t hear from you, that they should come pick you up because you’re probably bleeding out from the pelvis.

As you can imagine the crew’s arrival at the hospital prompted an investigation. Police found frozen testicles when they searched the place and both of these guys are facing felony charges — talk about the ultimate case of blue balls. I guess it’s true what they say, no good deed goes unpunished.