I spent nearly a decade working in the news industry, and while the corporate press is very much full of shit, the stories are still tons of fun. Here are some of my favorites from the past week!
OBJ Finds His Niche As Browns Receiver
The most practical way for me to start this thing is to just let you watch the video.
Of course if you’re reading this blog then you’re probably already well aware that according to the ladies of the No Jumper Podcast, Odell Beckham Jr likes to get ‘shitted on’ during sex. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, questions like; who gave these three shrill harpies a podcast, and why would a man of OBJ’s considerable financial means ask one of them to engage in scat play when he could have hired a more attractive mute to do the same with far less risk of public exposure?
Those are indeed legitimate questions, but today we’re suspending disbelief and operating the under the assumption that these ladies are as honest as they are ratchet. So where does that leave us? Well, if Odell were playing footie in the Bundesliga this would be a non-story, everyone knows Germans love poop, but us Americans have a different relationship with bodily secretions.
In America you can breastfeed or have your period while waiting on line at Starbucks and you’ll be dubbed a feminist icon. You’re welcome to walk into a public bathroom to fire off a snot rocket, vomit, clean up a nose bleed, take a piss, and yes even take a shit, but head into a public bathroom to shoot a load and you’re liable to wind up on a sex offender registry. On the other hand if you’re in bed with a woman and you blow your nose, bleed, puke, piss, or shit upon the sheets she probably won’t invite you over again, but dropping an 8 roper all over her face and tits could signal the start of a beautiful relationship.
It’s a major double standard, and since the year 2020 is all about dismantling old systems of oppression — a cause that has been championed by many in the world of sports — I think it’s high time we stood up for those who like to get squatted over.
Is fighting systemic racism important? Yes, but that doesn’t mean the fight for LGBTQIAA+ rights should be flushed down the toilet, not when there’s so much fighting left to do. I don’t see an ‘S’ or a ‘P’ in that acronym, but I do see a plus sign at the end, and that plus sign tells me that there’s plenty of room in the squad for those ‘S’ folks who like to get shitted on or those capital ‘P’ Poopers who like to be the ones doing the doodie. As the sports world becomes woke Odell should take a cue from the heroes who came before him. In the spirit of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier, Sandy Koufax refusing to pitch on the Sabbath, and Michael Sam sucking face with his boyfriend on Draft Day, OBJ should come forward as a proud scat lover. In doing so he could serve as an inspiration for a generation of young football players who dream of one day making it to the NFL and flying unshowered hoes across the country to engage in playful defecation, but are hesitant to do so for fear of being kink shamed. Perhaps in time he will and when that day comes we will finally be able to wipe the stain of oppression from the chest of this great nation.
CIA spy loves S&M gear
This one’s a bit morbid. Anthony Schinella, 52, was a high ranking spy with the CIA until he blew his brains out on his front lawn back in June.
Schinella’s wife says he had become obsessed with ancient Egypt and wanted to take her to the after life with him. She came to this realization when she found him dismantling their oven one late spring evening. Other activities on Schinella’s to-do list that day included drinking a glass and a half of vodka before going to bed with handcuffs, love letters from his wife, and Chinese zodiac cards on the night stand because he apparently wanted to be well rested for the murder-suicide that he planned to commit.
Anyway, it seems the booze messed with Anthony’s REM cycles because instead of getting a good night’s sleep, he stayed up and threatened himself and his wife with a glock handgun for two hours while asking his terrified betrothed a bunch of questions about her grandfather.
“I was trying to talk him out of it. It was a traumatic ordeal. I was only fearful he was going to kill me when he started asking me about my grandfather,” she added, referring to Thomas G. Corcoran, an adviser in President Franklin Roosevelt’s brain trust known as Tommy the Cork.
She made her escape when Anthony went back to fiddling with the stove in a final attempt to blow up the home with the couple still inside. He gave chase, trying to smash her car windows in and shoot his wife, before eventually blowing his brains out as she drove off.
Wild stuff to be sure, but I have to think that this kind of thing doesn’t just come out of nowhere. Nobody goes from zero to ‘reading Chinese zodiac cards and blowing up the house in a murder-suicide’ in the snap of a finger. Unfortunately, people who are incredibly crazy are often very good at hiding it, as appears to be the case here since a treasure trove of guns and S&M gear were found after Schinella’s death.
It’s not too surprising. High ranking national security jobs come with a lot of pressure, as does hiding an S&M and weapons fetish from your wife. Eventually the pressure builds up and you explode like a volcano — or in this case you attempt to literally explode before settling on blowing your brains out.
This is the kind of story that I file under ‘High School Reunion Conversation Starters’. Most people’s kids, wives, and careers are pretty boring and an open bar event with old classmates shouldn’t be wasted on 4 hours of ‘so how have you been?’ What you really wanna talk about at these things is the guy from 3rd period trig who got caught sneaking into the morgue to bang a corpse or that chemistry teacher who wound up cooking meth to pay for cancer treatment, or if you went to school with Anthony Schinella, you can discuss your former classmate — the S&M loving CIA agent who mulched his front lawn with chunks of brain and fragments of his own skull — way more interesting than hearing about some 2nd grader’s Zoom classes or whatever the hell parents talk about these days.
Don’t believe me? Which conversation would you rather be in?
Guy 1: Hey Bob, how’s it goin? Saw the kids on Instagram, Timmy’s sure getting big!
Guy 2: Yeah, 6-years-old, starting Little League next year
Guy 1: They grow up so fast…
BORING!
But how about this:
Guy 1: You hear about Anthony Schinella?
Guy 2: Schinella? From Poli Sci? Used to love quoting that move ‘The Siege’?
Guy 1: Yeah that’s him. He blew his brains out on his front lawn. Tried to kill his wife too, but she sped away at the last minute. Cops found a bunch of guns, ball gags, and spiked paddles when they searched the place.
Guy 2: Wow, talk about going down in a blaze of glory. What a fuckin legend!
I rest my case
A Face A Mother Could Love…And A Cock She Could Sure As Hell Ride
Well the news industry may be a toxic cesspool filled with charlatans looking to make a quick buck while tugging the strings of society and manipulating the reading public, but every once in a while they do a public service, and that once in a while is today.
The headline really says it all:
Massachusetts mom, 63, and son, 43, are arrested for incest after the son’s wife catches them having sex on the couch
After months spent whacking it in quarantine with no dating scene to be found, many people may have developed unrealistic expectations for real-life sex. It’s a claim that’s been made ad nauseam by those critical of the porn industry, and thanks to some crack reporting out of Massachusetts, it appears they may have a point. Because no matter what you think of incest porn, this mother and son:
Will never be this mother and son:
Yikes! Tony and Cheryl Lavoie of Fitchburg, Mass are a rough pair to look at. Even rougher to look at once you picture them fucking on the living room sofa, and rougher still when you find out that they are mother and son. I can’t say for certain if Tony has ever tugged it to incest porn, although he did allegedly bang his mom, so probably, but when I look at him I can’t help but get some serious ‘amateur upskirt’ vibes too. He also looks like he’s capable of, if not already guilty of stabbing a stranger during an argument at a roadside dive bar. For her part Cheryl looks like the kind of woman who would give birth to and have sex with a man who is into amateur upskirts and roadside knife play.
As often happens ( I guess, I’ve never actually heard of this happening before) Tony’s wife walked in on her husband returning to his place of origin as it were, and decided it would be a good idea to call 911. Tony and Cheryl told the responding officers that the act was consensual which is a good thing, because rape is bad.
I know we’re going through a lot of soul searching as a nation when it comes to law enforcement, and there are a lot of people who turn a blind eye to bad behavior by cops, but sometimes these guys really don’t get the credit they deserve. Sure, stories about the boys in blue rescuing a kidnapping victim or stopping an armed robber may titillate the American people, but it’s calls like this that tend to go unnoticed that really make cops into heroes.
Imagine showing up on a domestic to interview Tony Lavoie and being blasted in the face with hot gusts of breath still thick with the smell of his mother’s ambrosia, as he explains away the consensual encounter. Imagine having to do that while consoling a woman who has just discovered her husband making ravenous love to his own mother — a mother who comes complete with Crisco coated hair and a zit covered FUPA. There isn’t enough training in the world to prepare an officer for that scenario, so thank you to our police and first responders, the word ‘hero’ doesn’t do you justice.
Tony’s wife was so distraught that she had her cousin relay the story to police.
“(She) walked in on Tony sexually penetrating his mother on the living room couch. The mom was said to be on top.”
October may be the spookiest month, but this year the fright fest is off to an early start. Perish the thought of walking in on such a scene. If I had my druthers I’d rather stumble into a freshly blooded Islamic State torture chamber — at least in there nobody’s banging their mom.
“(She) long suspected something decidedly lewd was going on between her husband and mother-in-law.”
Have you ever been at someone’s house and they’re pissed at each other and you can tell they’re waiting for you to leave so they can fight? It’s a very awkward feeling. Now, imagine that they’re waiting for you to leave so they can have sex. Also awkward. Now, imagine that the people waiting for you to leave so they can have sex are your hideous husband and wildebeest mother-in-law. Even more awkward.
This woman has to be scarred for life after going through such an ordeal. Months of stress and anxiety, watching the ‘will they, won’t they’ game play out between her husband and his mom, before walking in on the coup de grace, will have certainly doomed her to decades of trust issues. After all, it’s hard to enjoy Mother’s Day brunch while worrying if your husband and his mom are going to sneak off to the bathroom for a quick game of grab-ass. VERY SAD!
If you’re looking for a silver lining — aside from the greying hairs lining Cheryl’s pubic mound — try this on for size; we’ve got ourselves another high school reunion talker. Picture yourself as a member of Fitchburg High’s Class of 2006.
You: Hey, remember that creepy dude Tony from physics class?
Classmate: Yeah, didn’t he get suspended for trying to install a camera in the girls’ toilet freshman year?
You: Yeah that’s the guy
Classmate: What’s he up to these days?
You: He got arrested for banging his mom!
And while you’re making ribald conversation at the 20 year reunion, Tony will be looking at 20 years of his own — the potential penalty in Massachusetts for hunting MILFs without a license.