MY COLUMN: The NFL Is Trying To Become The NBA
THIS LEAGUE is a phrase that's often tossed around when describing the antics that occur in the NBA. Over the past few days, as Americans are finally starting to realize the coronavirus is real, they've been searching for ways to entertain themselves. Some have opted for Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video or whatever other fucking streaming services are out there. Others have been played video games (shout out MLB The Show). And the real degenerates have drank themselves silly while betting on cricket without knowing how the scoring works. But then, the new NFL league year began and there were fireworks instantly:
And Bill O'Brien still has a job? I get Bill O'Brien didn't exactly earn his position as GM in Houston, but how don't the higher-ups stop this? DeAndre Hopkins is the type of player that you adjust your roster around to ensure he never leaves. Since Pro Football Focus began recording drop stats in 2006, no wide receiver has been better since coming into the league than DeAndre Hopkins. The Texans have decided to replace arguably the best wide receiver in football with an injury-riddled running back who has looked like a shell of himself following his breakout campaign in 2016. In the three seasons since, Johnson has played a full season once and hasn't eclipsed 1,000 yards on the ground. Makes sense to rip away a generational talent from your young, exciting franchise quarterback and leaving him with Will Fuller who probably tore his ACL scrambling his eggs this morning, Kenny Stills (he can run in a straight line really fast) and Keke Coutee. More like Keke COVID-19 because he can't avoid the (injury) bug. But hey, Bill O'Brien signed Randall Cobb!
It was announced later in the day that Kirk Cousins was given a two year extension, and after Adam wasn't Thieling Cousins' at the helm last season, he made it known. We knew Diggs was unhappy, but he never publicly came out and bashed Cousins like Thielen did and his numbers demonstrated that throughout the year as he had a boom of 5 games or so of scoring 30+ fantasy points in a row. I only know that because it single-handedly saved my fantasy season following Saquon going down. But in a shocking move, Diggs fired off 1 (one) tweet and was traded by the days end!
This was enough for the Bills to decide they were going all in, and it was like the Vikings of the medieval era ransacking a village, eating their food and raping their women. Pure and utter dominance at the negotiating table
Feel bad about yourself yet, Bill O'Brien?
How about now?
But then, the news that has taken over the world today. It's bigger than the coronavirus, bigger than sports themselves
Heard the schools in the Indianapolis suburbs are fantastic, Phil.
As the biggest Tom Brady fan west of the Appalachian Mountains, this wasn't exactly shocking, but surprising if that makes any sense at all. You didn't see him leaving the Patriots, but wouldn't be surprised if he did. There we go, that makes more sense.
But as I was sleeping my day away, my brother first woke me up to let me know Tom Brady was signing with the Buccaneers. I told him to shut the fuck up and went back to bed for another two hours. Naturally, two hours later, my Dad had either decided to open up Facebook or turn on the tv because he came up stairs to my room to wake me up and let me know that Brady was leaving the Patriots and "exploring his options."
Well Tom, guess what buddy! Forever a Patriot my ass, but if I had to guess, he'll end up in Tampa Bay, riding off into the sunset under throwing Mike Evans, Chris Goodwin, Cameron Brate and OJ Howard. The Bucs are going to make some noise, and as I write this Adam Schefter is on the tv saying it's all but official that Brady will be in Tampa next year. 2020 is so strange.
In other news, the Bears lost out on the opportunity to sign Teddy Bridgewater because his camp didn't feel like Teddy would have a fair shot at competing for the starting job with Pro Bowl Quarterback, Mitch Trubisky.
If you have a piece like that and are afraid to come in and compete with Mitch Trubisky, quite frankly, I don't want you on my team. Congrats to Teddy for signing a for $63 million in Carolina. Let's get this straight, I do not want Cam Newton under any circumstance. He has a chronic shoulder injury, and can't even do what he does best anymore, and that's use his legs. The crazy part is, Mitch is better with his legs right now than Cam is, woah.
Not to say Cam isn't getting the short end of the stick in Carolina right now, there's another quarterback I want under center in Chicago next year.
I don't care about scheme fit, inject Jameis into my veins. Blue is a slimming color if you ask me, so eat away Jameis. There is so much more to the world than crab legs, have a thin crust pie, maybe a beef of a Chicago-style dog. Bear fans might want your head on a spike after a year, but look at the 180 this city's done on Jay Cutler. You would be love, you would be embraced and Ryan Pace is dumb enough to pay you as much as you want. Let me sit at the negotiating table and you're not going anywhere.
But hey, if Mitch is under center next year, at least our defense went from top 5 to top 2 with the signing of Robert Quinn! No offensive line, atrocious quarterback play and a scary defense to back it all up- tell me if you've heard that before Bear fans!
The Colts trading for and extending DeForest Buckner is an awesome move and has flown under the radar.
Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys are going to end up paying Dak like $50 million a year because of their reluctance to sign him to a long-term deal. For every $118 million Ryan Tannehill contract, Dak's contract grows three sizes.
The Patriots are falling apart. I'm not buying the Foles rumors and think we'll see Jacoby Brissett back in Foxborough this year.
Marcus Mariota to the Raiders does absolutely nothing to Derek Carr. Mariota's a backup from this point forward
The Jaguars were fleeced by the Ravens for Calais Campbell.
How is Jason Witten still receiving NFL contracts?
I needed baseball season to start yesterday
-The Inn Keeper