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Lori Lightfoot's Census Cowboy Will Save The City

Fresh off 64 people shot (5 under the age of 18) and 11 dead this past weekend in Chicago, Mayor Lori Lightfoot decided it was time to bring out the heavy artillery and reveal the Census Cowboy to the world. As if Lightfoot and the rest of Chicago couldn't look like anymore of a joke, she decided it was necessary to make a reference to Gotham's Mayor sending out the Bat signal in times of distress to her introducing the Census Cowboy to the world.


I'd give up a lot to have been a fly on the wall during the meeting where Lightfoot and her team thought the Census Cowboy would be good for more than optics. But in reality, having a man ride out on a horse probably makes people view her as even more of a clown than ever. In a time where the majority of the city has all but turned their backs on Lightfoot, she was able to find someone crazy enough to go from neighborhood to neighborhood riding around on a horse, knocking on doors and telling people they MUST do their part by submitting census info.

And as much as I've been dumping on Lightfoot here, you have to respect the crazy bastard that is the Census Cowboy. Is he being paid handsomely? Maybe it's for the love of the game, but I need to know where you were able to find someone willing to trot around Chicago which is shaping up to be one of the bloodiest summers in city history. Part of me wants to believe that this guy is a local and fell in love with horses while attending the Chicago High School for Agricultural Sciences, but the other part of me knows this guy is an intern who's riding a horse that was given away for free.

Wouldn't hate the city taking this route, can't wait to see what the name of the Census Cowboy's trusty steed is. I'm sure it'll be rooted in Chicago history and have nothing to do with shitting on Trump. Name the horse Hey Beautiful and call it a day.

But if I'm the Census Cowboy I'm demanding 4 things

  1. Bulletproof Armor. Don't know if there are even full-body bullet proof uniforms but I'm demanding one even if there isn't one. If I'm going to be riding around on a horse in Chicago during the summer of 2020 I'll have to look like I'm being dropped onto Bin Laden's compound.

  2. An escort team. Doesn't have to be the police, in all honesty, probably shouldn't be just to keep as many eyes off of you as possible. Give whatever outfit runs the neighborhood some sort of incentive to do it and you'll instantly have some respect. If you think that won't work, only a month ago you saw gangs across the city assisting the police with looters in their neighborhoods. Pay for play, it works. I'd say we send him out there with the Bears offensive line but I'm not confident in that.

  3. One of the new Ford Broncos. They're sweet and if you disagree, kick rocks.

  4. Jim Boylen's firing.

Make the Census Cowboy proud, and respond to the Census. You might just save the city.

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