Just kidding, my jaw hits the floor every time I read an LSU box score this year. Joe Burrow was legitimately your NCAA Road to Glory player come to life, and if you didn't hear, I won the Heisman in my freshman season at Auburn a few weeks ago- fuck you Bo Nix!
I've been thoroughly more impressed by various other accomplishments made by other people
Genghis Khan, ever heard of him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was more ruthless than a Drew Peterson in a bathroom, but you can't discount his leadership skills, Khan united the Silk Road under one uniform government, which at the time was thought to be impossible. But you all know why I put him here, Khan has an estimated 16 MILLION LIVING descendants today, I don't care how good of a Quarterback Joe Burrow is, he will NEVER have that much sex in his lifetime.
While we're on the topic of sex, it'd be a shame if I omitted Diego the giant tortoise from this list. At an estimated 130-years old, Diego brought the population of the critically endangered species from a population of 15 to 2,000! I'm not doubting those type of numbers for Joe Burrow, but at 130-years old? There's not enough viagra in the world to make that even remotely possible. (I'm not going to get into the sustainability of these 2,000 because I'm sure inbreeding isn't an issue with the giant tortoise- can they even have autism?)
21-time world champion, and he's still alive. The Nature Boy doesn't need any other reason to be on this list.
Kane, 2001 Royal Rumble? Ringing any bells? The Big Red Machine eliminated 11 out of 30 men in the Rumble, you think Joe Burrow could eliminate The Rock? Yeah, me either. Too bad The Devil's favorite Demon was eliminated by Stone Cold, this was the equivalent of Clemson in the first-half last night, but I don't care. We're talking about personal performances here.
Anyone who can beat Michael Jordan one on one deserves a spot on this list, sue me.
This list would be incomplete without the greatest golfer this planet has ever seen, Kim Jong-Il. The first time he ever picks dup a set of clubs was in 1994, he shot 38 under on the Pyongyang Championship course, which measures at 7,700-yards in total- not too shabby! What's even more impressive is that he had FIVE (5) Hole-in-ones on a course that has an average hole length of 428-yards, and I thought Trump's 2.8 handicap was impressive! Can't forget about Kim Jong-Il bowling a 300 in his first foray into bowling either, what a specimen.
I hope you save the Begals, Joe. I couldn't tell you the last time I've like a college athlete as much as you that didn't play on one of my teams.
-The Inn Keeper