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It turns out Robert Kraft might not get his happy ending, after all

via Sports Illustrated
Robert Kraft is many things. Father. Billionaire. Owner of the New England Patriots, New England Revolution and the esports franchise Boston Uprising. Trustee for the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. He's a 78-year-old resident of Massachusetts. An alumnus of Harvard Business School and Columbia University.
According to prosecutors in Florida, “felon” should be added to the list.
This assertion is raised in a brief recently filed by Florida Attorney General Ashley Moody, Florida Solicitor General Amit Agarwal and Deputy Solicitor General Jeffrey Paul DeSousa to the Fourth District Court of Appeal of Florida.
The state’s appeal concerns a ruling last May by Judge Leonard Hanser of the Palm Beach County Court. Judge Hanser effectively gutted the solicitation case against Kraft by suppressing video and other evidence obtained pursuant to a so-called “sneak-and-peek” search warrant. Such a warrant contemplates law enforcement entry into a private home or place of business without the owner’s consent or knowledge. In this instance, a state magistrate judge had approved a sneak-and-peek warrant related to Kraft. It authorized local police to enter the Orchids of Asia Day Spa in Jupiter under false pretenses and then install hidden cameras in different rooms. Orchids of Asia Day was one of 10 spas targeted in a state investigation into prostitution and related crimes.

Annnnnnnnnnndddd just as every single person in the world has started to rule the Patriots out, the find the motivation they need in their march towards a seventh Super Bowl. Currently sitting at +1200 to win the Super Bowl, the lowest odds they've had the entire season and THIS news drops! What the fuck is the only answer I have to this. There was the Tuck Rule, SpyGate, stealing playbook, falsifying injury reports, the death of Myra Kraft and DeflateGate, but what does this laundry list of controversies and events all have in common with each other? They've inspired deep playoff runs, and Super Bowl wins in some capacity AND NOW? The state of Florida has decided to come back after Robert Kraft?

Literally this past Sunday, Florida got its biggest win over Kraft after beating the Patriots in New England, relegating them to play on Wild Card Weekend for the FIRST time since 2009 when Ray Rice came into town and bobbed and weaved his way through the Patriots' defense like Kraft's cock in an undocumented masseuses' hands for 183 yards and 2 touchdowns.

There's something I don't like about Florida coming after Kraft now, almost a full year later, because at this point, I'm of the opinion that you should let the 78-year old silver fox get his rocks off however he pleases. Would you rather he play sugar daddy for some 24-year old Instagram whore who is already living off of daddy's credit card, or would you rather he slip $100, tax free I may add, to a someone who is most likely undocumented immigrant, struggling to find her way in America. So what if she's making ends meet by giving old men a rub and tug a couple of times a week? It's not like these guys are filming the Cincinnati Bengals the week before they play them.

Calling Robert Kraft a felon for this might be the most insane thing I've heard all week, and that includes people actually thinking a third World War in the fold. And call me mysogisintic if you please, but I think every applicant knows what they're getting themselves into when the apply to work at a place like this:

Robert Kraft is worth $6.9 (nice) billion and he's going HERE for a rub n' tug? That is BONKERS! Any normal American knows who Robert Kraft is, and if I were to see him strolling into Orchids of Asia Day Spa, sitting at 2.5 stars on Yelp after its doors have been permanently shut, it'd be pretty fucking clear to me what the old man's up to! Right next store to the Mindquest Escape Game and whatever ethnic restaurant is right next store. I'm sure it was quite the experience strolling into Orchids of Asia while being met by the sweet smell of schwarma wafting through the vents and a middle-aged white man yelling at his daughter to shut the fuck up and help him find the next clue in the escape room from the other vents must've made for quite the intimate experience. They must've had some absolute cocksmith's on the payroll if Kraft and co. were willingly walking into this hole in the wall when they can pay whoever they want to play their skin flute for them.

Will Kraft actually become a felon for this? Doubtful, considering Jupiter Police faked a bomb threat to clear out the area and put in video cameras to see why Orchids of Asia was attracting clientele who clearly didn't match their target market. I'd imagine the former owner of Orchids of Asia intended on opening his doors as a place for college kids to come and in and bust a nut real quick, but then he remembered Tinder is a thing and so is Porn, so sorry, don't think anyone in my age range is hitting up the local rub n' tug (not saying I wouldn't) with any regularity.

When the Patriots now inevitably get their Happy Ending in Miami on February 2nd, you bet your ass the Patriots take the 88 mile trek from Miami to Jupiter, because screw Disney World, Orchids of Asia is where dreams cum true.

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