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  • The Inn Keeper

Instead of Alaska, 5 Things Trump could sell to Russia

As I clicked submit on my Study Abroad Application about 5 minutes ago, I celebrated my potential semester of doing nothing except drinking and being scorned for being American like any other person would and opened up Twitter. The trending page included nothing out of the ordinary for a Monday evening, but then I saw "Alaska to Russia," was trending.


Instantly my mind began racing- was someone trying to swim the 55 miles across the Bering Strait? Or maybe the land bridge had risen from the depths of the ocean, because of global warming (that's how it works, trust me).


But instead, we got this


We all know why this is trending, and there's not much else to it if you ask me. A quote that got blown out of proportion, but isn't that far out of the realm of possibility if you ask me. Culturally, no one compares to America in the entire fucking world. There are hidden gems scattered across the country like the Mall of America, Wisconsin Dells, Dollywood and Hershey, Pennsylvania but those aren't going anywhere unless an Alaskan Bullworm pulled up like John Wilkes Booth. That doesn't mean Trump can't sell anything else to Russia


1. Lucy the Elephant

Known as the "World's Greatest Elephant," the pride and joy of Margate City, New Jersey is 138 years old and the oldest roadside tourist attraction in America. Lucy's 6-stories high and was used to promote a nearby hotel, but has since become an attraction of its (not assuming genders in 2020) own. This would fit in PERFECTLY in Moscow's Red Square if you ask me.

Now I'm not even sure if I want 45 selling/trading this to Russia because of how seamlessly it fits in.


2. Foamhedge

If a tree falls in a forrest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Same logic applies here, but this feels like it belongs in Terre Haute, Indiana then Natural Bridge, Virginia. Hell, throw this in South Dakota and it becomes one of the ten most visited sites in America by the end of the decade. This one might be more North Korea's speed, but if you give it the paint job it needs, there's no reason the government won't say the stole Stonehedge from the UK.


3. The World's Largest Ball of Twine

I'm not a Boy Scout, but if Man vs. Wild taught me anything, that's enough kindling to last a Siberian village a lifetime. The boys and girls in Loshchinka would be buzzing if the fire starting process became easier. All 25 voters in the past election casted their ballot for Putin, and the LEAST he can do it show his most loyal supporters that he's got their back.


4. The Houston Astros

This isn't the KHL, there's no room for cheating in American sports. At least they'd fit into a country with no integrity well. Also, anyone know if Alex Bregman can ice skate?


5. The MLS


Not sure if Russia even wants to touch it, but would anyone even notice?


Checking out

-The Inn Keeper