Crafting A Championship Caliber Starting 5 With 80s Professional Wrestlers
Updated: May 29, 2020
Before having this video coming across my timeline a few hours ago, I would have pegged The American Dream as a power forward in the mold of Glenn Davis, but then again he is the Son of a Plummer and could have succeeded on grit alone at any position on the hardwood. I know this game was between NWA players and the Charlotte Police Department, but my hypothetical lineup will extend into the territories and WWF, because it's my team and my rules. I'd be remised to not mention the effort from the Department- they lost 55-54 while playing against a prime Sting and Lex Luger which is absolutely nuts, I guess what they say about cops is true after all.
POINT GUARD: Mr. Perfect
Standing at 6'3, Mr. Perfect gives you the prototypical size you'd want at the Point Guard position. He's the type of guy that keeps the locker room in check, because you know that he's going to outwork you and with a roster full of characters and ego you need someone who is going to have no issue telling you that you're not pulling your weight. With a name like Mr. Perfect, I'm envisioning him being the perfect facilitator for the offense. He has the potential to step up and be the superstar to lead the team, but he has no issues with averaging 10/5/11 a la Rajon Rondo at his peak in Boston.
SHOOTING GUARD: Ric Flair
Completely undersized, and I don't care because he's called the Dirtiest Player in the Game for a reason. 6'1 at the two is questionable, but ten you remember that Allen Iverson went to the Hall of Fame playing Shooting Guard at 6-feet tall. It's Flair's era, and without him, this team would feel incomplete. I am worried that he'll be a negative influence for some of the younger talent in the starting lineup and off the bench, but we're building a dream team and that's the Front Office's problem to deal with.
SMALL FORWARD: Hulk Hogan
I've gone with two guys who were never trusted enough to carry the load of a company as the World Champion, and in my opinion, your Small Forward is the foundation of your team. Mr. Perfect will be there to put his teammates in their respected places, while Hogan will be paid so much by the Front Office that is pisses everyone off enough that they're always playing like it's a contract year. Not sure if the Big Boot and Atomic Leg Drop translate to the hardwood, but at least we know the Hulkster isn't quitting when it looks like his backs against the wall...
POWER FORWARD: Vader
Despite not possessing the traditional size of a Power Forward, standing at 6'5 450 back in the day, this isn't a traditional team by any stretch of the imagination. When you think of how the Power Forward position has changed in basketball from the days of banging down to low and posting up to stretching the floor and shooting as often as guards, Vader was that for professional wrestling.
You think we're seeing nearly as much of big boys flying around these days if it weren't for Vader? I sure as hell don't think so, and that's why I'm locking up my equivalent of the Round Mound of Rebound at the Power Forward Position.
Center: Scott Hall
Prior to being known as Razor Ramon and Scott Hall, again, Hall made a name for himself in the NWA and AWA. While in the AWA, Scott Hall and Mr. Perfect became tag team champions, so I figured we may as well reignite the flame and see how things work on the hardwood. The Bad Guy is a modern day big man, he's long, he can defend, and he can shoot. When you have someone as composed as Mr. Perfect manning the point, you feel justified bringing in a guy like Hall, and as I've heard my dad put it in the past, "Before swag or any of that, there was The Bad Guy." Works for me.
6TH MAN: Ultimate Warrior
Like a bump of cocaine every time he checks in at the scorer's table. Not like anyone on this team has any idea what that feels like.
BELOVED BENCH PLAYER: Dusty Rhodes
Knows the game like no one else, fans always clamoring for more from him. The perfect guy to threaten your starters with because everyone knows he can step right in and not miss a step. I'd be an asshole to leave him off the team after seeing that jump shot. So ugly, it's good.
HEAD COACH: Gorilla Monsoon
If you have any issues with this selection you can fuck right off and let me know why you think I should have picked The Brain instead on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_, but I bet you didn't think about his and Mr. Perfect's falling out in the 90s.
Does this team win 6 titles in 8 years? Not sure, but I'll be damned if they're not fighting for a 1 or 2 seed every year.