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Tinder Thots Tuesday: Gas Station Baby

Updated: May 29, 2020

Hey hornballs, and just like that another week has come and gone quicker than it takes Chris Brown to escalate a situation with his significant other. Right now, life feels like I'm living in a cartoon, waking up and doing the same thing over and over again, praying that someone will hire me. At this rate, I feel like my parents equivalent to Kramer, just lurking with noting to do other than come up with revolutionary ideas like a make your own pizza restaurant. Nothing but good ideas coming from my brain right now.

If you've never been here before, be sure to catch up on past editions of TTT below, and if you have any Tinder bios you would like to see featured, be sure to send them to me on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_

There's being horny and then there's being HORNY, and you know exactly what I mean. Jackie has her age range setting turned up to 30 and above in search of a Sugar Daddy, and I don't hate the move. However, I do hate the move if you're 30+ and have your age range on any type of dating app turned all the way down to 18-22ish. Plain and simple, I find it fucking weird that some guys get off to girls spending their money, if you're going to have a kink, at least have something that isn't your bank account get sucked dry.

If I was a remotely attractive young woman with emotional attachment issues I would be jumping at every opportunity available to me that would garner me a few hundred bucks if that meant I'd have to send some feet pictures and act like I was interested in a hornball like that. Makes me sick that stuff like this is at an all time high with the quarantine, but get your bag ladies. If it sounds like jealousy, that's because it is.

Not to be that guy, as I proceed to be that guy, but are we considering Casey's General Store a restaurant? Call me naive if you please, but I really thought Casey's was a gas station that strictly sold pizzas like 7/11 is known for Slurpees.

Congrats to the mom to be though, what a way to spend your Mother's Day! I envision Stephanie meeting her baby daddy on Tinder, and you know what they say, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Hopefully Stephanie is able to find a love story like this though:

Coming in January 2021: Baby Casey

Realistically, how hot does someone on Tinder have to be in order for you to think they're fake? The tell tale signs are one picture that is grainy, a picture that clearly doesn't match the name or a bio that reads something along the lines of "cute, sexy, hot girl looking for a hunk add me on snapchat @sexmyboypussy694240"

Now don't twist my words, Cassaundra was objectively attractive. Not someone who you'd necessarily see walking on the street and have to refrain from looking twice out of fear that you'd get caught, but someone who if you were walking with a buddy one of you would mumble, "ah, not bad." If you think that makes men out to sound like cavemen, it's not far from the truth, you know it, I know it, we all know it. Men are simpletons, but how much of a simpleton does Cassaundra have to be that people are going to be swiping and be nervous that she's fake? Narcissism out the ass, not even confidence. If I had 1/10th the confidence of Cassaundra I'd have dropped out of college by now to pursue a career in porn. There's a market for it, believe me:

One year ago today, Bran the Broken was crowned the King of Westeros. I really have no further comment other than I'll never get over Benioff and Weiss completely butchering the ending of arguably the greatest television series of all-time prior to Season 8. They were offered to let Thrones run through Season 10, but instead of letting Daenerys slowly devolve into the Mad Queen, we get her rise and fall within 2 or 3 episodes, the Night King was just taken out by a charging Area, her telling us she's going to play Christoper Columbus, Jon running off with the Wildlings and that Bran the fucking Broken has been crowned King of Westeros. A character who would disappear for episodes at a time and was carried around in a wagon for the majority of the show, preposterous. If Benioff and Weiss had any balls at all they would have had Tyrion kill Bran and give us a what the fuck ending.

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