• Mike Montone

The Worst Costumes You’ll See This Halloween

Oh boy, the spooky time of year is upon us. Time for costumes and candy bars, or Dracula and drag queens if you’re spending the evening in the West Village.


I have a love-hate relationship with Halloween. It’s inspired so many great movies and Simpsons episodes. You get to go out and get drunk and hook up with some chick who’s dressed as a slutty janitor or a sexy crossing guard. Lot’s of fun, who doesn’t love sluts?


But it also inspires a lot of terrible, hacky shit on the part of people who are not very funny or interesting — as a group the biggest offenders are younger white dudes. Wherever you go to celebrate there will undoubtedly be multiple guys who bought the same Amazon or Spirit Halloween costume of some character from a widely quoted, very popular movie, and for some reason people treat them like they’re creative geniuses. Last year Joker was the big one because the movie had just come out.


“Whoa you’ve got the makeup and everything”


Calm the fuck down he didn’t write the script. He put on red and white facepaint that came with a prepackaged costume. He did the bare minimum.


I have a feeling we’re going to get a lot of Borats this year, which also means a lot of bad Borat impressions on the part of guys pretending to have a personality while trying to get laid. Most of these chumps will strike out horribly, and woe be the friends of said assholes as well. If you’re at that age where a night like Halloween means piling into a buddy’s apartment for a pregame, going out to the bars, then crashing on the couches until Sunday morning, then you’re in for a torture worse than waterboarding. Once that Borat costume is on, your boy ain’t gonna stop shouting “Very nice” until he falls asleep…and when he wakes up in the morning the first thing out of his still drunk mouth is going to be the same. In a few years when you’re standing at the altar as one of his groomsman you’ll have to stifle pangs of guilt over that one Halloween when you considered smothering him in his sleep because you never wanted to hear him do that stupid fucking voice ever again.


There’s a hand sanitizer costume out this year. A lot of assholes are gonna be going as hand sanitizer or some kind of cleaning product. They’ll be dropping awful pre-planned corona jokes to hook up with chicks:

“Don’t worry, you know I don’t have COVID, I’m hand sanitizer, totally clean”


I’d accuse the guy of having HPV, but that would require getting laid and guys like that usually don’t. That really is Halloween’s Achilles heel, too many douche bags trying to get laid.

There’s a ‘sexy hand sanitizer’ costume for women. I’m fine with that. Any excuse for a slutty outfit is cool with me.


If my grandmother died of coronavirus and some chick showed up as a ‘sexy coronavirus patient’ and it was just her walking around in fishnets and heels hooked up to a ventilator, struggling to breath while saying goodbye to her family through an iPad, but her tits and ass were hanging out for all to enjoy, I’d be like yeah – sweet costume, what’s your Instagram we should get coffee.


Watch out for the political costume guys too. It’s a safe bet that at least a few of the big politics people on your Facebook feed will be dressing as something political this year. If I had to guess I’d say the fly on Pence’s head, coronavirus Trump, and those St. Louis gun people will be huge among the political costume crowd.


If you’re gonna go political then get outside of the box. Any asshole can dress as Mike Pence and put a fake fly on their head. Why not go as Cuomo with huge nipples and a grim reaper scythe and chase old people around, or Trump with a couple blow up dolls leaking yellow liquid all over yourself, you could be Jeffrey Toobin – just walk around with your dick in one hand and a laptop in the other, maybe Biden’s son with a crack pipe and bring actual crack to the party you’re going to – you’ll be a hit.


Karen will be popular with the ladies, as will RBG. Big win if you hook with a chick dressed as RBG because you can cream pie her and sleep easy knowing she’ll be happy to swing by Walgreens the next morning for some Plan B to sprinkle in her breakfast burrito. If you do score with an RBG on Halloween be sure to give her whack on the ass with her gavel as a reminder that Biden may plan on packing the courts, but tonight we’re all about packin that pussy!

Of course there are parents who will be dressing their kids as RBG — presumably their daughters, but in this day and age I’m sure there’ll be a few sons too. It won’t be the kids choice to dress as the deceased jurist, but if my own upbringing taught me anything it’s that many parents aren’t worried about doing irreparable psychological harm to their offspring.

This website Alpha Mom has directions for an RBG costume:


“We couldn’t resist creating a homemade Halloween costume honoring our favorite “notorious” judge, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.


She rules supreme with her trail-blazing career, her much talked about exercise routine, her penchant for decorative collars and most importantly her ongoing fight for gender equality. Who wouldn’t want to be her for Halloween?!”


Yeah perfect, your toddler can dress as ‘your favorite notorious judge’, not theirs, yours. All because you spend the day on Twitter and Facebook screaming about the orange man while failing to parent your kid. So on this day of fun and whimsy you project your own hardcore, but relatively recently developed political beliefs on the kid when all they want is to dress like a Disney Princes and stock up on fun sized Snickers bars.


The children’s RBG costume consists of: A black long-sleeved t-shirt, a pre-made collar, some very large rimmed glasses, large gold studded earrings, a gavel, and attitude to spare.

“Attitude to spare”


Shut the fuck up. You’re talking about a Supreme Court Justice like she’s Judge Judy. Do you know how the Supreme Court works? It’s boring as fuck, it’s so boring that justices regularly fall asleep during hearings. RBG wasn’t sassing anyone from the bench in the Supreme Court.

I’m pretty pro choice, but this whole thing where we foist political beliefs onto kids really is disturbing.


If my siblings had kids and dressed their daughter as RBG, I would have no recourse but to teach the kid all about RBG and that would include a detailed description of abortion. That’s what should happen to people who treat their kids as virtue signaling political billboards. Because the costume isn’t about politically conscious children. It’s about bored, white wine swilling, suburban housewives, who pretend their Rodan and Fields pyramid schemes are actually a legitimate form of employment, using their kids as fodder for their Instagram accounts. It is the most transparently shallow move ever. So if you wanna play that shit, let’s play that shit. Bring your kid to my house dressed as RBG and they will be treated to a great big handful of candy AND a pamphlet detailing – with photographs – the steps involved in a late term abortion, and I’ll leave you to answer any questions they may have after perusing said literature. That should be your punishment if you dress your kid as RBG for Halloween. You get to do it, as long as you can comfortably and in great detail explain to the youngin the process by which a nearly fully developed fetus is sucked from its mother’s womb.


The directions for the RBG costume conclude with the following gem of a line:

“I don’t think anyone will dare to give these judges any trick-or-treating flack.”


Yeah there are gonna be some older kids out stealing candy from younger kids and they’ll take everyone’s m&ms, but they’ll back off when they get to your little homemade RBG because she’s a powerful woman.


Actually I might have just changed my own mind about this whole thing. Send your kid out dressed as RBG, let her get robbed of a few almond joys even though you told her that she was a bad ass, and then once the façade has been destroyed you can also explain to her what it’s like to be a 38-year-old loser who projects her own insecurities and political obsessions onto a child who just wants to have fun with her friends as Halloween.


Anyway, the point is just let them dress as Ariel from the little Mermaid and be done with it. While they’re out trick or treating you can spend a miserable evening on Twitter calling Trump Hitler.

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