No sports, no school, people across the country are working from home, the market's as bad as it's been since the crash in '08 and President Trump declared a National State of Emergency just a few hours ago. For my money, this has been about as wild of a week stretch that I can remember, matter of fact I don't think I've ever, nor will see anything like this again. As a Swine Flue survivor, I knew the Coronavirus was nothing to joke about, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun with it.
The Goonery's own, Patrick Kane, came up with idea of a coronavirus pool. Very similar to a death pool, the rules of our pool for the $100 prize were so simple that the idiots saying Coronavirus is just the flu would understand it:
1. Snake Draft
2. Must be American
3. The winner is the person with a selection catching the virus, or if there are multiple, the team with the highest number of confirmed cases takes home the crown.
4. The pool ends as soon as the first major American sport returns (MLS doesn't count)
And in typical Goonery fashion, we weren't all present. Patrick Kane, the big brain behind this idea was not present but we collectively decided on three celebrities that Pat would have no problem having on his side.
Before we get into it, let me just remind you all, even though I took part in the draft, these grades are UNBIASED. Picture me as Mel Kiper Jr. and you'll get it over it. And without further ado....
The Inn Keeper: Grade: B
I decided with the first overall selection, Bernie Sanders was a home run selection, and really didn't have to think about it that much. Almost like the Bengals taking Joe Burrow in a month or so in Las Vegas. Bernie is a safe selection, and my logic behind it was that he's been on the campaign trail, encountering thousands upon thousands of people almost everyday AND when the Democrats inject Bernie in his sleep, they're not giving Biden the nomination.
Jenny McCarthy is a little bit of a long shot, but you never know with her and the anti-vac army. Avoiding Wahlburgers at all cost, even though the closest one to me is a 29 minute drive and I never knew it was even there.
Ric Flair is one of the best picks of the draft, in my humble opinion. It's like taking an offensive linemen from the Big Ten in the back end of the first round, all the talent in the world, but you know exactly what you're going to get. I'm not sure how The Nature Boy is still alive, so the seems like a no brainier to me considering we haven't heard from him in awhile.
Nicknack: Grade C+
LeBron is a strong choice in the first round. He's been around a crazy amount of people of late, and was adamant about not playing if the NBA decided to have games without fans. If LeBron were to come down the virus, it'd prove to me that karma is a real thing. Then again, King James probably wants it so he can make yet another thing all about him.
Lady Gaga, a bit out of left field, but a serviceable selection from Nicknack. This is what prevented Nicknack's draft from reaching B territory, but his logic of Lady Gaga being a complete weirdo isn't wrong. Could see her infecting herself just for fun and making a billion dollars off the song.
Mickey Rourke basically played a shitty version of Rice Flair in The Wrestler, but Mickey's respiratory system is about as bad as it gets.
Probably still fucks whoever he wants
JoJack: Grade A-
Jojack played it cool, but quietly had one hell of a draft. It was like watching the Steelers, nothing crazy flashy but you damn well know each draft is going to contain a few guys who make an immediate impact. For starters, JoJack might've rigged the system by taking Matthew Broderick first considering his sister has the Coronavirus. Now I don't know enough about the Broderick family dynamic, but I don't think they're the Rodgers. Hell of a first pick.
Hillary, I get the pick. She's old, showed signs of slowing down on the campaign trail in 2016 and has a marriage that isn't necessarily considered to be successful. She's probably out of the house more than she'd like to be, I mean hell, I doubt she can keep up with all of Bill's anxiety these days. Probably can't even get on her knees to alleviate any of the pressure from Bill. Still don't see her contracting it, but it's a testament to how strong Jojack's first and final selections were.
Charlie Sheen is similar to Rice Flair, except he has AIDS. This might end being the equivalent of the Patriots taking Tom Brady at 199.
Headband Adam: Grade B
Headband Adam's draft was the toughest for me to grade out of anyone's. Tiger Woods in the first round is out of left field, but then again, Tiger Woods threw his life away because he was horny inside of a Perkin's. If Tiger were to contract the Coronavirus and survive, he's basically guaranteed to win a Master's. Might've talked myself into this one.
Nancy Pelosi would just be laugh out loud funny. A good laugh is a good selection in my mind. It reminds me of the White Sox taking Andrew Vaughn last year, nothing crazy flashy to people who don't know what they're talking about, but that'll blow up in their face. Hell, Trump probably gave it to her (Spoiler!)
Nicknack put it best, Magic Johnson is the only person to ever put on weight after being diagnosed with HIV. People like to poke fun at Magic's Twitter game, but you're lying if you wouldn't have tweet notifications on for Magic's quarantine.
"Day 3! Love spending time by myself to think and reflect about my life. Probably should've watched where I was sticking my dick, but I'm making a grilled cheese! Excited!"
Patrick Kane (not present): Grade A
Joey "Coco" Diaz
Pat Wasn't present, but I think he'll be more than happy with the picks we made for him.
For one, I'm of the opinion that 45 already has the virus. Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro reportedly has the virus and you don't meet with him in close quarters without getting the virus yourself. God, I think I'd stay off of Twitter if he ends up getting it.
Scientologists are almost as weird as Mormons, but Tom Cruise is batshit crazy. Solid selection from the crew for Pkan.
As for Joey Diaz, Pat's a big fan of comedy and Joey fits the bill for those in danger of contracting the virus: late 50s, horrible lungs and probably a whole laundry list of other prexisting conditions. I love Joey and am praying he doesn't catch the virus, but if he does, it's a safe bet that Joe Rogan finds a way to kill the virus with his barehands.
-The Inn Keeper